Starting a blog is really overwhelming, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, I think about lots of things for quite a while frequently. Which has brought me to writing to myself on a blog that maybe no one will read?
My Husband had suggested it, then my counsellor suggested it, I’m doing it.
I’m into my second week of Anti-depressants because I’m actually depressed. I cried so often that my Daughter asked why I wasn’t crying one day when I hugged her dad…it had become so frequent. It had to stop.
I’m depressed because life fucking sucks sometimes. I had a tough childhood, I have 3 kids, they’re all heaps annoying. Like my daughter is climbing on my arms as I type sooking at me “I want you, mummy I want you.” She doesn’t want me, She actually just wants more food because all my kids do all day long is fucking eat. Shes 2. She has no concept of personal space, The toilet isn’t even somewhere I can go these days without my merry men in there too. I love my kids but Gezus.
I don’t want this blog to be all about me complaining, its supposed to be here to help me, to work through my life, my memories and eventually lead to my ‘recovery’… or ‘discovery’ …. or something along those lines.
I was tired of trying to find support groups online because generally no one there is doing shit to help themselves but its a little bubble of self-pitty where people go to live in the pity of themselves. That isn’t helpful. No one cares about you on those online forums. So it was a no go.
So here I am. Wife, stay at home mother of 3 and what lead me here? I’m a ‘survivor’ of childhood sexual abuse, 6 years of it to be precise. I’ve never spoken to strangers about it openly. I’ve never thought anyone would want to hear me but I think sometimes it just needs to come out. I want to be brutal, honest and encouraging and inspirational. My soul these days is being consumed by the darkness I’ve pushed down for years, never really dealing with your shit doesn’t help you, it swallows you whenever it gets its chance, kind of like those people asking for donations at the supermarket.
So I can’t do this forever. I don’t want to be 50 years old still ugly crying on my husband’s shoulder because a ‘man’ hurt me as a kid and I never got help or helped myself and faced those demons. I want to know where I came from and know I tried my hardest so that when I’m 50 my kids see me as this powerful strong woman that overcame shit. That’s why I’m doing this, I want to be able to share my stories with people, good and bad and not feel like its all still too hard for me to talk about because its still defeating me every day. That’s not where or who I want to be.
I am better than that, I am strong and considering where I’ve have actually turned out pretty alright. My blog, this will all be about my days, my memories, my kids, it’ll be about it all the good, wonderful and disgusting, upsetting stuff. But what I want to use it for is awareness, for strength and hopefully, and somewhere things will turn around.