Ive been on these anti depressants for just over two weeks, and the need i had to slaughter small children has lessened about 100%. Thats a positive.
In the last day i’ve realised that in my fog of despair and own self loathing that in the last few months i’ve stopped noticing how wonderful my children are, how actually great they are. The last few months i’ve felt like from the time they wake up that the only part of the day i was looking forward to was them shutting up and going to bed. It might seems harsh but i was struggling to feel the love for them that i knew i should be and knew i did. I couldn’t bare being around them, my days were filled with yuck. I couldn’t bare it as much as when my husband goes to the shops and gets the chocolate i don’t like or when he orders gravy on my Schnitzel or when he does those after sex farts.
Something has changed
This morning my daughter, who for privacy reasons we will call Little Flea (2), got severe diarrhea at 5am in MY bed and we all had to relocate to the lounge room because there’s WEE POO on my sheets, and try to sleep the remaining dark hours away but i realised she is just too outrageously cute and charming for me to sleep so we cuddle and watch Frozen… again. I had not even been noticing she’s started having a little stutter on her “I I I I I I” words, or that i can actually see with my own eyes how much she adores me just as much as my husband adores his pop-doll collection. She has this way about her that even in her awkward painfully shyness in most social situations makes me think she’s this incredibly self aware human being ,when people think she is just being rude and say so. Just the way she pushes her hair from her face, the way she says “Mummy i love you” or “Don’t look at me” makes me watch her in awe.
Last night for the first time in a long time i allowed all 3 of the kids to stay up and watch ‘Home’ with me, my 3 year old ‘Moo’ cried in one part and i was so amazed that he did that because i was failing to ‘see’ him lately and then when my eldest ‘Wheels'(10) cuddled him in to him and said “Awww i love you , Moo“. It was like i was seeing them for them and really really seeing them for the sweet and sensitive humans they are becoming, i was forgetting that all my children have feelings just like mine, they hurt, they get confused and they love. In all the ways i do.
Sometimes i think good parenting is all about awareness. Not what you can or can’t give them, or how you be with them or what you say or do. It’s just all about being aware that they are also aware.
I have no expectations from them, other than for them to just to grow and BE.
Be strong, be humble and be yourself.