“What is it like to wake up each day without bad memories?”
My husband whom we will affectionately call Batman says to me “BUT what is it like to wake up and be you every day, waking up with that in your head every morning?”
This is normal for me, but last night Batman read my recent blog. We were sitting on the very cosy couch i and many of my friends so lovingly call ‘comfy couch’ just after all the kids had gone to bed. I saw he had stopped reading, and i held my breath, and watched and waited, he didn’t react right away and to be honest it scared me, for whatever reason i had; i thought he was going to be mad or upset with me and i was incredibly anxious. Finally he said “Woah, I respect you in a completely different way now”.
It wasn’t that he didn’t know about my story, but it’s that i am not good with speaking words, and to tell stories like mine to someone’s face you do find that you censor yourself to protect yourself and them from what i guess might be embarrassment or awkwardness and often i’ll make some kind of joke to brush it off if the conversation gets too serious.
Its embarrassing for most people to talk about their sex lives let alone unwanted sexual abuse and the topic is already awkward anyway. Clearly i have no issues with these.
My story of the flashback from last year in my recent post bothered Batman, he’s sad for me. Something I didn’t think he would pull from it is that the fact that somehow when that was happening to me when i was a child it might have felt ‘nice’ and how confusing that would be for a kid. I don’t remember the feeling of it exactly but I might not recall some things because often as the abuse progresses as it would in any normal human your body may react to what is happening to you in it’s perfectly natural way… to feel stimulated, which in turn brings on the guilt, feelings of disgust about ourselves as the child and what we have done, and it then becomes our fault?
I had never considered this before ‘Batman’ brought it up but i have read in a book called ‘The courage to heal’, in it these people did get stimulated as they grew up and they often would for a mere moment enjoy the sensation. Have i blocked this? Am i one of these people? Perhaps i didn’t tell because i felt disgusted with myself and naughty?
The thought of this disgusts me. Makes me feel awful in ways i didn’t before. But its all part of this process. I get to see and hear other peoples opinions and the ways they process it. I feel guilty and disgusting even now as a 30 year old woman, at the idea that my body could have in anyway responded in a way that was beyond my control as a normal human being, even when in my mind i was scared and feared what might happen if i was to say no.
Blogging all this for myself is opening up a whole spectrum of thought processes for me, its like i’ve taken my brain out and soaked it in knowledge in a pan over night and popped it back in. Like i’ve seen something as wonderful as a double rainbow on youtube, except not wonderful and a little more like when the bad vampire guy gets Bella in the first instalment of Twilight.
The hard part of this is that i’m scared, and anxious about coming out and making this a public thing. I don’t want people to see me as the girl who was abused, or feel bad for me or pity me, its not about that. I feel powerful, possibly more powerful feeling than that time i managed to drive 10 kms to pick up a friend without accelerating to save petrol with a bowl of coco pops on my lap when i was 18.
Batman finished by saying said that he finally realized that much in the same way that he will never understand what it’s like to be a victim of childhood sexual abuse, that in turn I will never know what it’s like to be him, someone who WASN’T.
What a strange thought. I will never know.
I will only know how i am not only survivor of sexual abuse but how i will become my own heroine of my own fairy tale.