When I was about 6 or 7 my mum took me to the Doctor, I remember the day because mum who we will call ‘Birdy’ had her friend with us and it was really sunny and i must have really loved sunny days as a kid, because i remember that day had that smell, you know the way a really beautiful day smells and feels? Well it has a smell and i do remember that.
We walked across the big road to the surgery. I was there because i had complained that i was sore ‘down there’, the dr asked my mum if she had changed the washing powder because there was irritation. My mum had not changed the washing powder. He then asked the question to my mum that i should have spoken up about, but how could i? “Is there any chance she was interfered with?”
Birdy and her friend couldn’t think of anyone they didn’t trust that may have hurt me.
Years later Birdy said she can now see. That day when she got home she had told (my now ex stepfather who we will call ‘Villain’ ) about our visit to the doctors. The next day he told her that he was going away for a few days and when he finally got back he told Birdy he had found us a new house in the country. So we moved away, about 50kms away. We now understand why he did this. He was hiding me. Clever man. You stupid dumb creepy clever man.
He used to spoil me with those adorable 90’s ‘littlest pet shop’ toys I adore so much, not like they are now [a little bit cheaper and a little bit crap] and now you get them with dang Maccas happy meals! Talk about downing the reputation of my favorite childhood toys. Chocolate, ice cream, treats, special attention, i didn’t get in trouble, i didn’t get duct-taped to the bed for a whole day like my brother did when Birdy was out for the day and I never got the belt. I was being groomed. I wasn’t aware of course because we actually weren’t spoilt kids and we didn’t have a real lot of money at all, so it was a real treat but my brother and step siblings didn’t get special things. Perhaps i assumed i was just extra special? But i feel bad and i felt guilty for it, i felt guilty that my little brother got treated pretty much the opposite of how i was being treated.
One day Birdy and Villain had a baby whom we will call ‘Chops’ but when he was 2 and i was 10ish they split up. I was so relieved but then my baby brother whom i absolutely adored went to live with Villain. So being silly me wanted to make sure he was ok and safe so i would spend the occasional day with Villain and Chops at his request because i wanted to make sure he was ok. Anyway, one day he took us for ice cream, i got to pick my favorite ‘cornetto’ (I mean… who doesn’t love the chocolate filled tip at the end? Its better than the ice cream itself!)
We went back to his house and after we ate them, i put my little brother to bed in Villains bed because he was due for a nap, I didn’t want to; knowing what would happen if i did put him down for a nap. So i was lying next to my brother, who had just fallen asleep when he came in, and i thought, he wouldn’t? Not while im here in bed with my baby brother?
Surely enough despite it being daylight (that had never happened) and me laying next to my brother, i heard the familiar click of his knees and the smell of his thick calloused nicotine stained fingers as he bent down next to the bed, I lay still and frozen as i always had with my eyes closed and my small hands balled into fists. He always began with a back rub. He would then roll me over and do what ever he did till he was satisfied. I don’t know where i went, that time or all those other times, or how long it lasted but i only ever really remember the beginning and the end when i could open my eyes and move after he would leave. The smells, the sounds and the feelings in my head after are the only real things i can recall when it was happening.
That was one of the last times it happened. I don’t know why. Or how it stopped? I thought it was because i started getting my period at that point. It’s no fun for them once you become a woman right?
So knowing all this, just in these few posts you would assume that i was able to get this Villain put away, put in jail where he would rot with the other criminals. He’s not, he lives about 15 minutes from me and my family with his mother, he’s in his late 60s now and has grand children of his own, two of them being girls. I couldn’t even get this to court. Because I have no evidence, because my medical records from that day are gone, because some negligent doctor never followed up with the mandatory reporting we know they all HAVE to do today. Because MY word is not enough, my memories are not enough, my pain, my sadness, is not enough.
When we all know… How can he prove he didn’t do it?
I’ll never have the justice i wanted and deserve.