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Days like today i could easily succumb to being a drug addict or an alcoholic. I was probably destined for it. But i managed to wriggle free by not having an addictive personality. But to feel nothing in a drug induced slumber for a while would be bliss it would be like a childfree holiday, but with kids around there somewhere. To feel amazing for a few days while i’m in some smacked out haze would be a real relief, to not feel. To not think about money, life, parenting, and what’s on netflix and why the hell are there so many choices of US teen dramas!

But i’m not a drug addict and i feel everything these days, every word, comment, thought.
Right now, i’m sitting in my kitchen listening to Alt J whine and smelling the incense that Batman burned earlier, in between writing sentences im yelling at the kids to just fucking leave things alone. Moo won’t just leave the damn vacuum cleaner alone then accidentally turned it on scaring the shit out of them both. This morning Little flea said ‘Fucks sake’, a common word of mine. Wheels is sitting behind me trying to read what i’m writing with yet another bloody nose and it infuriates me, not the bloody nose, the snooping and i just want him to leave me alone. Parenting win at my house today.

Just earlier i was wiping the table down from our pancake lunch and i started to cry while rubbing a spec of green paint off imagining it was my head. I put the stinky cloth down and went and layed down in a ball on my bed and cried like a baby for a minute, then i suck it up like i always do like the tough bloke i am. I AM not being the mum i want to be lately. So i sit down on a seat much to small for my saggy butt and hug their sticky smelly little bodies and tell them i love them and im sorry im yelling. And they say “it’s ok mum i loves you” and suddenly i’m not an awful human anymore.

All it took for me to begin to feel this way was a question Batman asked me when he was making pancakes, he didn’t want to ask because he didn’t want me to think he thought i was stupid but i told him it was ok to ask.
“If you knew what he was going to do to you then why did you go visit your baby brother at his house on your own. Why did you put yourself in harms way. Why wouldn’t you just wait for Chops to visit you at your mums.?”

I didn’t know.

So in turn i was triggered, i felt disgusting, i felt guilt about myself and full of shame, and stupid so so stupid. It was not Batman’s intention and a reasonable question. But it took me back to how i imagine i must have when i was a little human. The feelings are the same. Scared someone might see me as this dirty creepy person.

I thought into this innocent question with my sore overwhelmed rice bubble brain way too much. And now im tired from crying and there’s mascara on my pillow even though i knew i wouldn’t be going anywhere like this today.

Which brings me to today’s blog.

Are there warning signs? Is there anyway anyone or you could pick up on this with a child you know?
Possibly? Probably not? Probably. To Birdy, i didn’t give much away, after asking her today she said i was Timid, a perfectly behaved child that played quietly in her room and that i was very protective of my littlest brother Chops.

Inside, though i remember so much more. When i began to grow breasts I hid my body with big baggy jumpers and i made sure i was as boyish as possible, and was very much a tomboy as i grew, i slept fully clothed, i avoided all situations and hid away when it came time to say goodbye to male relatives, i felt ashamed of my body, and felt very secretive and embarrassed about my body, i remember being even embarrassed about anyone thinking i used the toilet, i was silently scared to sleep and slept on my stomach or on my side as close to the wall as i could and i was also scared that if i was to say anything after so long that i would be questioned as to why would i keep it a secret for so long? I felt silent and I felt isolated. Iso-lated.

When i think back to why i never told i feel guilty, i feel disgusting. I think in a way because he was my ‘father’ figure i did look up to him, he spoiled me and my dad wasn’t around at that time for me to bond to, essentially to me he was my father for that time and he loved me, a bit too much. I think in what ever weird way he used that. Batman wonders if this is something pedophiles do knowingly or if it’s just something they do without realising. Do they know how to manipulate a situation with a child, or does it come naturally to them? Like i instantly know I will beat up alllllll of the kids at the park for pushing one of my kids over (this may be a slight over reaction).

There were things he did that weren’t flat out abuse that made me uncomfortable. Things that only i guess i would have noticed. Putting me on his lap at any chance he could, rubbing my shoulders and coming close around the sides to where my boobs might have been if i were old enough to have any, once he sat me on his lap in the car even though i insisted i didn’t want to drive the car at 9 years old, helping me ‘wash’ in the shower, and one evening i saw him outside my bedroom window watching me dress after a shower. Little things that only i noticed.

I wonder if anyone did notice these things? I wonder if anyone else noticed.

When i began to like boys, is when i began to realise what had happened to me. That i liked boys my own age and they like girls their own age. Something must have clicked then, I just knew. I told one boy at school in year 8 or 9, and his reaction told me what i thought i knew. He knew how bad it was, but why didn’t i?
I guess today is one of those guilt days, knowing if i had just said something after that first time i wouldn’t be anxious, or depressed or suffering any PTSD symptoms, would i be a better person had i told? Would he already have been put away?

What ifs. Life is full of what ifs. What if i could be rid of the shame and the guilt.

You can find a tip sheet on warning signs Here. I probably only displayed 1 or 2 of all of those on that sheet.

A few facts :

  • 95% of Child sexual abusers are driven by an on going sex drive for children.
  • An average child molester will abuse 200-400 times before being caught and most of them do not get caught.
  • 94% of children are abused by someone they know.
  • In a 1994 survey of 453 Pedophiles it was revealed that they collectively abused 67,000 children.
  • 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 12 boys will be sexually abused.Keep this all in mind without suspecting every man or woman that speaks to your children. Its actually hard for me to do… I assume the worst of all large old men with lots of hair because of what has happened to me. How do we get the message across to our children without scaring them?

Perhaps this book called ‘A secret safe to tell’ will help which you can find HERE

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9 thoughts

  1. You were ‘groomed.’ It’s something that back then people didn’t know much about. Now it’s a crime, it’s recognised and punishable. Some people wouldn’t know the signs, they wouldn’t understand it, some choose to turn a blind eye. Whatever the case, as a victim, it’s the parents, caregivers, teachers, any responsible accountable adult to notice and help, to stop the perpetrator(s). Not the victim. That is usually vulnerable and manipulated. Batman needs to read up a little more perhaps before blurting out generic questions to understand the situation. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

    Now, on a less note, how come you haven’t invested in waterproof mascara?

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    1. Yeah i was and it took me a long time to realise that. But its hard to come to terms with the idea that you couldn’t have done anything to stop it.
      Batman didn’t mean it the way it might have sounded. He understands the delicate situation, but thats the difference between us, hes doesn’t know what its like where as i do. He had no intention of upsetting me, because really most things set me off these days! haha! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I probably shouldn’t be posting this on the internet but oh well. I understand this all to well. I went from sexual abused by one person to moved to a different family member who mentally and physically abused me. I’m only 24 but I have learn to recognize some of my triggers but there are time where I black out and im in the bedroom again. I had to stop asking why because it made things worse for me.

    That being all being said, you have support of a stranger from New Mexico. Never give up. Dont let them tell us we have to be a statistic and resort to drugs. You survived which is a greater strength than most could imagine.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ashleigh, thanks for commenting, I wrote these things in hopes that people like you who know all this too well can reach out to each other, ive never had a support network and this is bringing in people like yourself from all over the world. We survived, we are wonderful! Thank you ❤

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  3. I have stumbled upon your blog and I think I could have just about written it myself. I have pushed bad memories so far to the back of my mind but I’m starting to realise it doesnt matter how far back they are, they still have an immense effect on my day to day life.
    I’ve enjoyed reading your blogs, you are putting on paper what I’ve been denying myself to say or admit.
    But this particular one… This hits a deep, horrible spot in my mind. I do not talk about ‘it’ very often because I just simply can’t, but I’ve always been terrified my husband would ask the same question your batman did (just as innocently of Course) and I would not know how to answer.
    I can’t believe how much I have suppressed. Even to the point my husband probably remembers more than I do from the small amounts I’ve revealed in the last 12 years. It’s not so much the things that I do remember clearly that drive me crazy the most…. It’s the things I know I have suppressed and I’m terrified they will hit me like a tonne of bricks one day.
    Our situation sounds very similar (evil villain stepdaughter but biological father to my brother). I’m wondering if I could send you an email to ask you something I’d rather not have others see?
    And just know you have at least helped me to turn a corner in my guilt and regret! A fucked up childhood is no longer going to drag me down!!! 💕

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