Days like today i could easily succumb to being a drug addict or an alcoholic. I was probably destined for it. But i managed to wriggle free by not having an addictive personality. But to feel nothing in a drug induced slumber for a while would be bliss it would be like a childfree holiday, but with kids around there somewhere. To feel amazing for a few days while i’m in some smacked out haze would be a real relief, to not feel. To not think about money, life, parenting, and what’s on netflix and why the hell are there so many choices of US teen dramas!
But i’m not a drug addict and i feel everything these days, every word, comment, thought.
Right now, i’m sitting in my kitchen listening to Alt J whine and smelling the incense that Batman burned earlier, in between writing sentences im yelling at the kids to just fucking leave things alone. Moo won’t just leave the damn vacuum cleaner alone then accidentally turned it on scaring the shit out of them both. This morning Little flea said ‘Fucks sake’, a common word of mine. Wheels is sitting behind me trying to read what i’m writing with yet another bloody nose and it infuriates me, not the bloody nose, the snooping and i just want him to leave me alone. Parenting win at my house today.
Just earlier i was wiping the table down from our pancake lunch and i started to cry while rubbing a spec of green paint off imagining it was my head. I put the stinky cloth down and went and layed down in a ball on my bed and cried like a baby for a minute, then i suck it up like i always do like the tough bloke i am. I AM not being the mum i want to be lately. So i sit down on a seat much to small for my saggy butt and hug their sticky smelly little bodies and tell them i love them and im sorry im yelling. And they say “it’s ok mum i loves you” and suddenly i’m not an awful human anymore.
All it took for me to begin to feel this way was a question Batman asked me when he was making pancakes, he didn’t want to ask because he didn’t want me to think he thought i was stupid but i told him it was ok to ask.
“If you knew what he was going to do to you then why did you go visit your baby brother at his house on your own. Why did you put yourself in harms way. Why wouldn’t you just wait for Chops to visit you at your mums.?”
I didn’t know.
So in turn i was triggered, i felt disgusting, i felt guilt about myself and full of shame, and stupid so so stupid. It was not Batman’s intention and a reasonable question. But it took me back to how i imagine i must have when i was a little human. The feelings are the same. Scared someone might see me as this dirty creepy person.
I thought into this innocent question with my sore overwhelmed rice bubble brain way too much. And now im tired from crying and there’s mascara on my pillow even though i knew i wouldn’t be going anywhere like this today.
Which brings me to today’s blog.
Are there warning signs? Is there anyway anyone or you could pick up on this with a child you know?
Possibly? Probably not? Probably. To Birdy, i didn’t give much away, after asking her today she said i was Timid, a perfectly behaved child that played quietly in her room and that i was very protective of my littlest brother Chops.
Inside, though i remember so much more. When i began to grow breasts I hid my body with big baggy jumpers and i made sure i was as boyish as possible, and was very much a tomboy as i grew, i slept fully clothed, i avoided all situations and hid away when it came time to say goodbye to male relatives, i felt ashamed of my body, and felt very secretive and embarrassed about my body, i remember being even embarrassed about anyone thinking i used the toilet, i was silently scared to sleep and slept on my stomach or on my side as close to the wall as i could and i was also scared that if i was to say anything after so long that i would be questioned as to why would i keep it a secret for so long? I felt silent and I felt isolated. Iso-lated.
When i think back to why i never told i feel guilty, i feel disgusting. I think in a way because he was my ‘father’ figure i did look up to him, he spoiled me and my dad wasn’t around at that time for me to bond to, essentially to me he was my father for that time and he loved me, a bit too much. I think in what ever weird way he used that. Batman wonders if this is something pedophiles do knowingly or if it’s just something they do without realising. Do they know how to manipulate a situation with a child, or does it come naturally to them? Like i instantly know I will beat up alllllll of the kids at the park for pushing one of my kids over (this may be a slight over reaction).
There were things he did that weren’t flat out abuse that made me uncomfortable. Things that only i guess i would have noticed. Putting me on his lap at any chance he could, rubbing my shoulders and coming close around the sides to where my boobs might have been if i were old enough to have any, once he sat me on his lap in the car even though i insisted i didn’t want to drive the car at 9 years old, helping me ‘wash’ in the shower, and one evening i saw him outside my bedroom window watching me dress after a shower. Little things that only i noticed.
I wonder if anyone did notice these things? I wonder if anyone else noticed.
When i began to like boys, is when i began to realise what had happened to me. That i liked boys my own age and they like girls their own age. Something must have clicked then, I just knew. I told one boy at school in year 8 or 9, and his reaction told me what i thought i knew. He knew how bad it was, but why didn’t i?
I guess today is one of those guilt days, knowing if i had just said something after that first time i wouldn’t be anxious, or depressed or suffering any PTSD symptoms, would i be a better person had i told? Would he already have been put away?
What ifs. Life is full of what ifs. What if i could be rid of the shame and the guilt.
You can find a tip sheet on warning signs Here. I probably only displayed 1 or 2 of all of those on that sheet.
A few facts :
- 95% of Child sexual abusers are driven by an on going sex drive for children.
- An average child molester will abuse 200-400 times before being caught and most of them do not get caught.
- 94% of children are abused by someone they know.
- In a 1994 survey of 453 Pedophiles it was revealed that they collectively abused 67,000 children.
- 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 12 boys will be sexually abused.Keep this all in mind without suspecting every man or woman that speaks to your children. Its actually hard for me to do… I assume the worst of all large old men with lots of hair because of what has happened to me. How do we get the message across to our children without scaring them?
Perhaps this book called ‘A secret safe to tell’ will help which you can find HERE