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I do not understand what it’s like to be a child, my memories are so few, i had my child stolen from me, my girl. I feel estranged from myself, someone is missing. I am not whole, i am not complete. My journey to healing has to be about finding that in myself, turning that ball of black heavy mass in my chest into something else, preferably something with rainbows and unicorns or a lifetime supply of tim tams.

I am missing her, i miss her. I am supposed to be part of her and she was supposed to be part of me. But she is a journey away and i’ll just have to keep looking for just a little bit longer.

I don’t see my children, i can not relate as i feel as though i never was one.

She’s always a step behind me, rigid and so isolated, but i feel her and she wants to be found. She is warm, she is love, she is filled with power that i never learnt from her because i couldn’t because i wasn’t there with her. Wherever she went, is where she’s stayed, and i am not sure if getting her back is an easy task. Its not exactly like i can call her back like a lost puppy and offer her some liver treats. “Good dog”.

Without her i am just floating, and crashing and floating again, ever so slightly above the canopies of an evergreen life forest popping down through the foliage and popping back up with leaves and twigs entangled in my hair, as if i have wings that aren’t quite functional, stopping me from really ever being completely IN my life. Never really being present, and being completely unable to entwine myself to my life. I and her. I imagine her to be innocent and delightful and as sweet as ben and jerry’s ice creams. Her face is soft like marshmallows  and her smile large and shy, her hands small and nervous and i imagine watching her movements. She’s magical. She’s Like a myth to me.

Where do you begin a journey so monumental to your life, when all you fear is that you’ll misguide yourself and then learn that you have to start again? How will that feel?

Until tonight i wasn’t exactly sure what i had to do to heal, i had no idea where this was heading. But now i know, my eyes have been opened like the time i put on my new prescription glasses and saw that things did indeed have edges and corners.

I have this idea. The idea that this journey is not be about vengeance or grief or him, this Journey how ever absolutely fucking astonishingly harrowing it is for my mental health, is about saving myself, finding the girl that i missed, that i left and giving her my all and making her strong, her knowledge vast and her voice loud. I want to find her and have her with me, for the rest of my days. Tie our invisible broken strings back together. Cut the strings and let him fall to replace her stings with mine.

What a beautiful idea.

What a beautiful thought.  

How do i pull this off. Searching for someone that no one but you can find. Searching so deep into yourself that whatever you may encounter could damage you for any expanse of time, then to stand back up and punch it in the dickhole and keep on searching? Falling through the canopies to the very dirty creek beds below. And then finding the spirit to float back up.

Will  i one day after multiple canopy crashes, Soar?

                                                                                          My journey is now.

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7 thoughts

  1. Wow, this was just beautiful. Your words touch me on a deeper level and I feel like I can connect with what you’re saying. I wish I had the answers to how to find your inner child, but I don’t. Do let me know if you come up with something!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, It feels so great to get it out and all of a sudden have this better understanding, i have no idea if ill ever find her but if i do ill let you know how that even happened!

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  2. I hear what you’re saying. As my trauma occurred in my early teenage years my inner girl has stuck there and also some of my emotions are stunted there. So I have reactions to things where I feel I’m losing control and this obnoxious, swearing, rebellious teenager comes out, or the fearful unable to express for lack of vocabulary or lack comprehension holds me back. It’s taken a while to realise and accept that. I think when people referred to the ‘inner child’ I saw it as a bit hippy and frankly a little stupid – or maybe the teenager in me did! Anyway, now I can recognise this loss of a chance to form, ability to relate and this distorted mix of character I have become. It’s only heightened becoming a parent myself. Scared me. Made me cautious. But for you having a tangible image, learning about what she could have been, grieving, but accepting and acknowledging her will certainly be an important part of your journey. With you buddy x

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    1. Abuse of kinds certainly keeps part of you back there with it doesnt it. It holds that part of you always and its like a bungee rope when you try o move forward. I guess for us snapping that cord might be the best way, but somehow taking the inner kid along with us.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I could “like” every one of your posts. You will find her. I found mine. She was lost at the age of 8 and we didn’t reconnect for almost 30 years but she’s right with me now and I know one day we all find what was stolen and reclaim it back. You are right when you say this is what the journey is about – reconnecting with that little girl who was stolen from you. You will find her.

    Liked by 1 person

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