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Water. Alone time. Does not work. DOES. NOT. WORK.

I filled the bath after removing, cars, bird toys, soggy smelly flannels and old shampoo bottles, and slowly stepped in, it was perfect, usually its always too hot and i swear at myself every time. Fucking hell. But no, not this time bath!

I sat and sunk, i sunk to my neck, i could hear the kids talking and singing in the lounge room, and the lights of the heat lamps were just so stupidly bright. So i decided. I decided that it was going to be ok to wet my hair tonight. I’ll mess up my carelessly put on eye make up too and i won’t even care, such a risk taker.

 I Sunk all the way down past my ears with a hot flannel draped in a neatly folded (i’m a folder) rectangle over my eyes shielding me from evil light demons. Everything is so delightfully muffled. Blissfully muffled for a mere minute. My heart beats in my ears, my blood circulating around my body. I get that feeling that you get when you take your bra off at the end of the day, relief.
I was calm, for a minute. I felt amazingly peaceful for a minute. Like i don’t even have 3 loud children and money trouble and my entire family get along like Santa does with his elves. Peace.

Still submerged in blissful warmth I hear my heartbeat increase, my rational thinking becomes crowded with irrational stupid thinking and before i can even realise what is actually going on; I’ve fallen. Right into a big fat panic attack. My chest tightens, i get dizzy and I feel sick, i feel pains stabbing me in my chest that’s something new.

Drowning, i wonder how that feels, i imagine it to be peaceful and i realise that i’m doing again.  I have to get out of my head and i sit up, try to understand what’s going on. Im hazy and i don’t feel right, suddenly im this unstable rock on the point of a mountain. I feel like i want to hurt. I wanted to hurt. Writing about this doesn’t even do how i felt right then justice. I realise that i understand why people with emotional pain hurt themselves and i’m worried i’ll one day become one of these people that i’ve never understood.  I cry. The tap drips, it’s drip almost in time with my own tears, the drips effects ripple through the water. The drip is my abuse and the ripples are me now.

  I twist the flannel and i twist it so hard it hurts my hands and grind my teeth and i realise there is so much anger behind it.

Im alive. I think, “but i am alive, i am alive“. Not everyone has that. I’ve gotten this far, idiot. You are alive.

Batman pops his head in after I’ve stopped crying, and says “You ok?” So i cry again. He brings me in a sleeping tablet and says “ill put the kids to bed, you rest”. 

That was the same day I spent with my 3 kids all alone, we walked through the gorge near where we live and watched butterflies flutter over the river, looked for a fish or two scarily over the edge of a foot bridge, and climbed stoney hills and we sat and picked purple flowers for Little flea in the grass when Moo had plonked himself on the mound of sour sobs. We watched planes in the light cloudless blue sky and found a spot to look over the whole little old township below, Moo said “look at this place!” in awe probably a good 20 times. Wheels just asked about motorbike jumps most of the time… No wheels just no…  I sat and watched them play at the edge of the river where Wheels and I came up with Birdy’s name 7 years earlier. Wheels  was skipping stones and the babies throwing their snacks in and cheering when it was a good throw, i felt like i was in a scene of a sweet reflective movie.  I tried to Imagined how i could ever have been like them, so innocent, so adorably annoying and sweet. After, we went to Mcdonalds, they ate ice cream and played till Moo wet his pants, then we went back to our little same same home and took the old man lady dog to the reserve and played soccer and rode bikes while Little Flea and i wondered around trying to stop old man lady dog from eating a billion random cat dumps!
I had a wonderful day. My children made my day beautiful and insightful and i needed it. I need them.

Although the Villain still got to me later that day and I will never ever be rid of this, i know i will never completely heal from this, and i think i’m beginning to be ok with that.

 I will allow myself to cry without guilt, I will allow myself to feel defeat when i need to. I will take my time.

To me, he, his memory and all he has left me with, is a terminal disease, he is a cancer, a tumor, an abscess, he doesn’t know or care the damage he has done.

However..

I have more than the Villain will ever have, I have the knowledge that i will always be smarter, more brilliant, more glamorous, attractive and caring than he will ever be. I am also way way less creepy.

Did i mention attractive?

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3 thoughts

  1. Even looking like a drowned rat with make up down your face I know you were 😉 but yeah, that doesn’t work too well for me either, bit claustrophobic like that. Some people can ‘lose themselves’ in water. I can’t even do it in spa pools or swimming pools because I know I’ll be that one freak accident that gets sucked into a drain and stuck at the bottom until I drown. Moving on, there are lots of other ways to relax (apparently). I hope you feel better now. And I’m glad you didn’t self harm. That’s a slippery slope that’s hard to come back from.

    Liked by 1 person

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