I am alone standing on top of a sour sob flowered hill in a large gorge overlooking the green hills. The warmth of the sun beating down on me. I can smell purple flowers, Little Fleas favorite. I can smell the dirt, hear lawnmowers in the distant township.
In front of me is a staircase made of grey stone that leads down, i don’t know where it goes as i can not see the bottom. I take five steps down; five, four, three, two, one. I look around and it looks as though i’m in an old dried up creek bed, its instantly colder and darker, the creek being overshadowed by old tree canopies with no leaves, it smells damp. To my right about 50 meters away is a cave, it looks beautifully magical, but the area is not well lit and i can’t see in. I wander over to the entrance of the cave carelessly walking over cracks in the ground and strayed tree branches. I peer into the cave, it’s dark and mossy apart from the few little fairy lights around, light made by actual fairies. I step in and know i’m not welcome. In the center of the cave sitting on a rock is a girl, illuminated by fairy light. She has beautiful long blonde hair and is wearing a white singlet dress and no shoes and her feet are dirt smeared. She is me. She looks up at me sideways through the hair and is supposed to say something. She doesn’t. I watch her so intently. I want to sit with her and hold her, but she doesn’t want me there or seem happy to see me, so instead i try to move past her to the back of the cave that i can’t see. I get past her, but something stops me. I literally can not move forward, she is blocking me somehow, she has turned around and is watching me. Not wanting me to go forward. I feel confused and sad. So much sadness.
I turn and leave because she is upset that i’m there. I leave the beautifully dark cave, out to the stone steps and as i step up the steps and see the sun and feel its warmth; i am back.
My counsellor guides me out back into the room i am actually sitting in, i have been crying. We both feel pretty impressed with how it went. I believe that the girl is protecting me. Pushing me away from knowing more truth than she wants me to know. She’s just being so Naughty!
I had gone into that session with my issues with the flash backs and that’s what we were hoping to find out something about. I have had two more recently. One while i was sitting with my amazing friend ‘Whippet’ and Batman, we were colouring in on the floor one night, you know like good little kids. When came this rush of emotions, hard raw intense emotions of sadness, confusion, fear and shame. It was as though i had been hit in the face with a hammer with all those feelings printed on the surface, i couldn’t see. I went somewhere else when it happened, and when i came back, i told them what happened and and then cried. The other Flashback happened when i woke up later that night after going to sleep, and that one is still haunting me, the fear and the inability to breathe.
I’m struggling to process my feelings and thoughts on these and it is making me feel like a insane old cat lady, my counsellor explained to me that instead of seeing these problems and emotions that i’m going through as breakdowns to instead see them as breakthroughs, even if they seem like the world is trying to swallow my boobies.
A few days ago a very old friend contacted me after reading my blogs, she told me her memories of me and and the magic i had introduced her to, to her i was this magical fairy queen and when she met me she knew she had to have me in her life. It flooded back to me when she was chatting to me, my love of fairies, magic, and fairy gardens, i believed they were real for a very long time. I was a girl. This little creative girl, who believed in magical things, and even as i write this i smile at the thought, because i know now that i was. I was not always sad. I was fucking awesome. Still am. maybe? possibly?
I am having a crisis. But not the way we think. Crisis. Means a turning point is coming. After this, it will be different. I will be different. Probably just heaps cooler.
I also had my heaps good article and Batman’s heaps good song featured on a big Australia website called mumcentral.com.au but make sure you put the .au as my mum found porn without the .au….. awkward.
Or you can find the article Here!
So far it has been shared by 1000 people and i have had so many people offer words of encouragement or just sharing their stories with me and asking for help, and needing encouragement themselves, this is exactly why i started this, this is why more people need to come out of the scary holes and talk about this stuff. So please, share if you think it will help someone else.
No one deserves to live with such guilt and shame. No one. ❤