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Do you think it’s because you have low self worth?

No, i quite like myself. I don’t think thats a problem for me.

What a naive fucking douche.

This was something my delightful homey incredibly wonderful counsellor (whom we will call Mrs. Gandalf because she’s heaps smart) asked me at our last session. But since she asked, it’s all i’ve been thinking about.

Do i really? Do i really like myself..

I thought I did. But just literally just now, i have realised the difference. Brain.Fart..

The confidence in my appearance is different to self worth, you derp! I think I am an attractive person.

Tickets please

…BUT..

In all seriousness, i now understand what she actually meant. On the surface do quite like myself. I like my drift fang tooth that has actually put dents in all of my kids heads and a few friends kids at some point or another, I really enjoy my almost always clear skin because ewwww yuck pimples, I quite enjoy the size of my boobies, even if they are a little pancakey. I have great legs even when i’m 1004 weeks pregnant, my hair is generally pretty great regardless of the big grey streak I have in that front bit there and I like my face, i mean what’s not to like, i’m overall pretty bang worthy. If I wasn’t me i would absolutely without a doubt bang me. That’s not what she meant.

This is quite a contrast to how i feel about myself as a person.  I am constantly wondering if i am a good friend to my close circle of friends and often deciding i’m not, i often wonder why people want to actually catch up and talk to me or catch up with me for coffee or even why people would even friend request me on facebook always assuming they did it by accident or have ulterior motives. I always worry that when i’m out that people would wonder why i’m even there. And i wonder if people can see straight through me and see that i’m not actually a great person, though I  probably am. I am always questioning myself, my self worth is shite. Shite shite shite. I feel like an imposter. A Legit imposter. I don’t feel like a true honest person even though i generally am, unless you ask me if i can see that pimple and i say no but i really can’t stop staring at it.

I’ve done, had, have destructive behaviours. I’ve tried out eating disorders and failed, i hurt myself in secret and kinda failed, i’ve slept with men just because i want them to like me, never failed, i’ve taken drugs of sorts to forget myself, sometimes fun, sometimes fails, and often i’ll still drink to give myself a break and escape life, never a fail. I have been neglectful of my kids needs, i’ve been neglectful to my partners needs, that husband guy even and my own needs, Blah, blah, so on and so on. I have done so many things that absolutely indicate that my self worth is as good as any human that has gone through intense childhood trauma in her life would actually be.

I don’t treat myself like i should. I wonder if that may change now. Now that i am aware.

I don’t feel like i imagine i should feel like. Recently more than ever i’ve felt like i catch glimpses of a passion and drive to be someone better, something amazing or a different person but then it flops all around like a wet sock trying to be banana and im back to being the imposter. I’m second guessing everything i do which in turn stops me from doing things i would love to do, like, dance or sing which i love watching people do and am in awe of them but fear people will laugh or criticize me, take the kids to play groups or be involved in Wheels’s school stuff, take myself to adult play groups, take up a social activity or even a job.  At any moment imma whip off my black all over body cloak and unleash this smelly, naked, gollum with a drug addiction with a passion for fish and scamming the world of its money and clear demonic episodes. Whatever is actually in there is torn and missing parts and it’s dark and light. I have not fulfilled this self yet, i’m half the person i could be and i can feel it, i can really feel it, i feel my fakeness and not just with regards to work, family or love wise but me as a whole person, i am not good enough for… (Insert whatever you like here)  and I don’t have any idea how to fix that part of me.

I am half a bottle of the best wine you have ever had.

Do you think it’s because you have low self worth?

Yes. Yes i fucking do.

8 thoughts

  1. Yup, still one of my biggest struggles. How do you convince yourself you matter when as a child that was stolen from you? When with each trigger you are bombarded with all the negative shit that tells us as adults we still don’t.

    Wish there was a way to experience self worth so I could go “oh, this is what it’s like” because most days I’m not even sure I know what the heck I’m looking for. Maybe it’s there in small bits but with all the other crap it doesn’t find its way out?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. And what does it look like when the triggers are constant and I all I want to do is scream. How would my future self, the one who feels she matters and isn’t a fraud as a wife and mother, handle that? I have to believe one day it will happen because otherwise what is the point? I’d like it to be soon cause at 46 I’m exhausted!

        Like

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