Have you ever read a Cat in the Hat book?
They are seriously annoying to read and i feel sad every time one of the kids wants to read one. Remind me to unfriend who ever gave that book set to our kids. These books are crazy hard to read after a wine-coma inducing day, now imagine trying to read a whole Cat in the Hat book to two small children of the corn while one of them reads a separate book about why monkeys live in trees over the top of you in a high pitched baby voice, because she absolutely can not deal with the idea of not reading one at the exact same time as me because that would be easiest for everyone involved.
It will be hard
Said the Cat in the Hat
The cat is right. Stupid cat.
I didn’t like my kids today, i loved them but i did not like them a real lot. I don’t like that i didn’t like them, like i said i love those little dirty faced things immensly all day of every.single.day but today, today was not one of my finest parenting days. My day consisted of me pleading on my knees begging to the champagne stain on the roof from my birthday a few years back to please let them stop fighting over who had the blue block first even though there’s 112 just like it. Exhaling wtf’s at regular intervals and it also consisted of me being really really impressed at how many times my daughter can in fact pee in her pants and in the potty in one day. We baked cupcakes, but that was a stupid idea just because baking with kids, amirite? Then there’s a full on hunger games style battle about who gets to sit closest to the mixing bowl, then i turn my back and they both eat the mixture and when i say it’s not that time yet what do they do? Cry. That’s seems like a completely rational thing to do to me. Just be thankful i’m making them at all you teeny tiny peasants!
I really do try to enjoy the moments i get with my kids however not the baking moments, i’m lucky to have them at all, i know this, but you really can’t enjoy every day you have with them and anyone who says they do is actually lying right to your face and probably will tell you they love talking about bratz dolls with their 10 year olds, they don’t though so remember that. Remember they lie.
After our regular scheduled dinner break-dance battle with the family which consists of us more civilized adults the only ones to eat their actual dinner. My smaller spawn seemed a tad hyper and bouncing from here to there and here to there those funny things are everywhere (Thanks dr. Seuss), one is pulling me around by my finger singing “Lollipop Lollipop oh Lollliloollipop” while the eldest one tries to talk over the top of them at me about doing back flips on trampolines and bikes while the middle one slides around us in his socks on the weed on floors from toilet training today. I care not for trampolines or bikes with this little time left before bed time, please beautiful child, just stop talking to me.
I will shatter into a billion crystal tears at any moment.
Imagine standing in your kitchen minding your own bizniz when in comes the screaming childlike Empress because the bigger screaming miniature Batman stole her fucking toilet roll, hey guys, we have about a gazillion toilet rolls. But Let’s not want any of those ones though because mum loves telling you over and over it’s not any different from that identical one you had before.
It just never ends; Let’s ask mum to use the laptop again but for something kinda the same but not totally and hope she forgot she said no the first 70 times, let’s ask mum again who texted/called and/or sneezed in their car out on the street. Lets do a horribly poor effort of brushing our teeth every time so much so that she stays up 10 minutes longer at night wondering if we brush properly or not and if we’ll have tooth decay at the next dentist visit and get told off in a non-telling-off-way. She’s also really going to enjoy it when she’s laying there at night wondering if maybe just maybe she did damage to your developing souls when she yelled again today because you just don’t listen…….. no, because I actually just don’t listen to you.
I had already told Batman at dinner that i was ‘DONE‘ for the day, when he had announced he had to leave in 20 minutes for work….
My heart sunk that exact same sinking feeling you get when it’s 1am and you just snuck in to bed knowing you really shouldn’t have watched those last 6 Shameless episodes but you were just too lazy to get off the couch, and then when finally get to bed you have just managed to get warm and get the pillow on that really good angle you have grown to love and know, you close your eyes and then BAM you hear:
Muuuuuuuuuuum, i weed the bed (insert incoherent super sad 3 year old cries).
Thats when you remember you forgot to put the mattress protector on at the last pee party and you have allowed yet another pee party accident to stink up the mattress you were hoping would last at least another 5 years longer. Fuck sakes.
You lie there in that spot so-still-with-your-head-up hoping you heard wrong.. but no, so you haul and flop yourself out of the cosiest bed you have ever owned and hazily wade yourself in to the hall to find a small sad and beautiful child standing in the darkness and shadows with piss all over them and tears in their eyes, tears rolling down those little adorable cheeks you made. You scoop up that little thing, change it, cuddle it, change the bedding with awkward struggle and reckless abandon because you left your glasses on the bedside table, you use a billion towels to mask the pee party accident, you lay them down, and they say “I love you, mum and wrap their little squishy arms around your neck for one last squish and thats when he breathes warmth in your ear and warmth into the cockles of your heart and rolls off to sleep like the perfect and beautiful small human he is.
You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.―Dr. Seuss