Run? Later?
Run? Later?

Do you know what I hate most about running? It’s having to put two pairs of bras on to just leave the house because my kids sucked the life from them and now they punch me in the face and if I run fast enough I end up with a bruised stomach… Kinda joking… Kinda not.

I am an amature runner and when i say that i mean it, no matter how much i run i’ll always be an amature. I don’t even have all the running person skills yet, but i really hope people look at me as i run past and think “oh wow look at her heaps skilled running, she is so cool”, but being able to run well is like having a super power, one i do not have. Being able to keep the same pace, not hurting yourself, avoiding holes, biting dogs, something i think about is avoiding running rapists. These are skills i do not possess. However the feeling of running with my arms all flailing around and my legs flopping all over the street, with music on, and with the old man lady fart dog makes me feel so humble, so relieved, at peace for mere seconds at a time and ultimately tired and less fat.

I had not gone for a run for weeks, maybe months, i’ve been staying thin with anxiety instead of exercise. It does wonders for my ever shrinking pancake breasts.

I decided to change that because we received some information about another person who may have been abused. During the week i was contacted by a woman who didn’t know me personally but believed me and knew the Villain. So i contacted the mother of the girl we suspected had been abused to only have her see the facebook message i sent her and then to unsee it and not write a damned thing back. I contacted my detective and he said even if this girl was abused, we are thinking at around 3-4 year of age so 17 ish years ago essentially she’s in the same boat as me, there’s no evidence and no witnesses. They can’t even look into it and even the fact that Birdy and my brother had both seen him in my room with his hand under my blankets numerous times won’t stand up in court because they’re my immediate family. Because you know, we all have strangers lurking around our homes watching the goings ons incase someone is sexually abused and they need to be the eye witness in court years later you know. The villain also told this woman that had contacted me that i told him when i was a child that “i want to be a pole dancer when i grow up’, now; i didn’t know what pole dancing was until i was a teen because you know boys… What kind of person makes up things like that? Who says that about a child?

I am only one case of this injustice. Just one. There are people out there just like me with bigger issues, bigger dramas, and worse mental and physical health as a result of their abuse and because of the laws in place, they too will never get justice. Doesn’t that seem fucking outrageously unjust?

So thats why i ran last night, i ran because i needed to feel good for 30 minutes, i’m so done with feeling sad, unsure and heartbroken. I’m over finding leads to this case, or getting my hopes up to have them crushed in seconds with words on a phone.

That night i had a bath with Batman.

I told him i’m tired of feeling guilty when i see him cry because he feels helpless when i cry and then i have to pat him like a little puppy even though i also need to be consoled. He used his magical sessy muso words and soothed me with this:

Please, I don’t ever want you to feel bad about me crying or getting angry about what’s going on with you. I’m not feeling that way because of you. I’m feeling that way with you.
 

What an awesome man i have, we then continued to draw imaginary pie graphs on the bathroom tiles about how much he lucked out on when he got into this relationship with me, with the majority of my graph being one block colour other with like a tiny slice taken out for the good things that i came to the relationship with, he then drew his own graph which he called the ‘worth it’ graph and he colored it all in, imaginarily on the bathroom tiles of course. He told me, that was how worth it it all was to be with me. So fucking cute.

I will continue to run, i will run to feel happy, i will run so i can feel that tiny bit of peace, and so i can lose them love handles.  I will no longer run to hide, i will no longer run from how i feel and i will run head on into this bull-shit and feel powerful and i will continue to run into the happy blessed life i fucking deserve.

You Villain will run yourself into the floor. Run you sick bastard because someone will catch you one day.

4 thoughts

  1. I LOVE this post, fucking LOVE it! My favourite part is the last paragraph. I used to run to get away, then gave it up, this reminded me I now have the ability to run toward something. Brilliant post Antanika thank you for writing it.

    Liked by 2 people

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