I just need to get a few thing out the way before I launch into a slaughter of what a disgusting old fart you are…. No wait… lets just launch right into it.
You are really ugly, like real ugly, you look to me like a really smelly big toe with matted pubic hair on top from a public shower in an old country town where everyone has mutated into big toes from too much pubic hair in the water.
I am a woman now with really annoying and adorable children, and you are an old man with grandchildren that i hope to the goddesses are safe because no amount of warning from me has stopped you from being allowed to see them. Why do they protect you so? It’s not like you ever paid child support or even looked after them? You are their father, you can do no wrong.
I have given up so far (but not forever) to try and have you convicted for all those times you scared me enough to have me not fight against you, yell, or scream against you.
I had a counselling session with my Man of a husband the other day, a couples counselling session for us which almost always ends up being about me because you fucked me up. She asked me to put myself in a memory, so I did, I used the one that I have thought of a lot the past few days, the one where my brother sleeps peacefully on the other side of the room, the one that I actually think I did push you away, the one where I think that you actually quite hurt my vagina that time, and I squirmed under the pressure of your hands, when I was 8. When I was 8! And that one time I didn’t dissapear inside myself just to cope.
She asked me to push you away, to push your rough grabby hands away from me, but I couldn’t, oh I tried Villain you know I did but I couldn’t then and I can’t now, and instead I cried and I was embarrassed that I was crying. She took me to the wall, she told me to push on it, to push with my arms, with all I have, with my entire body, and I did try, as hard as I could, there in that small white room decorated with indigenous original weave art with my man of a husband and a woman I barely know, I pushed, and I felt all the pain and the ache of the hurt being pressed back into my body and I wept uncontrollably. I wanted to cry so hard I felt I would collapse on to that tiny floor in that tiny room. She told me to slowly let go and physically release all that pain from that memory of trying to push you away, I let go and it left, it released and my tears stopped. I know it will come back because it always does but this, this is the pain you have caused me.
You have taken my strength, my power and my freedom. You have taken the one part of me that I have no idea how to get back. I am not full of life because of you. My little girl is still missing. I barely know who she was between the sleepless nights and the nightmares. Wait…. I mean the nightmare and the nightmares. Each and every day, this is in my head. I can’t shake it and I probably never will. There are people just like you that get away with this every day. EVERY DAY. So you know you are safe right? Because the laws are protecting you.
Did you know Villain that when I go out, with my family or on my own, I think I see you, I think I see you in the faces of the few men with hair much like yours with the stature much like yours and I instantly am disgusted by them, they make me scared they make me irrationally scared. Yesterday when I ran with my old man lady fart dog I swear I saw you in a van with a friend and you watched me, I lost my breath and had a bolt of pain in my body for a second, even though it probably wasn’t you but my mind does this to me.
But you don’t care, remember when you told my Birdy (mum):
It was years ago, get over it..
When she confronted you about it. When she came to your home and punched you, you didn’t deny it. I want to come to your home, I want to destroy you, but you know what? I won’t, because I can’t, because the law protects you and if I even name and shamed you, I will be the one in trouble, I want to slash your tires on your car every week, but I can’t, I want to spray paint big dicks on your car and driveway but I can’t, I want my Batman to take dumps on your car seat…. but he can’t. Because the law, it protects you from us dumping in your car.
But at the end of the day, you Villain are a sick sick man and you don’t even understand that, you do not know or care that what you have done is a disgusting act, but what is actually worse that if you do know what a sick bastard you are and you can continue to live your life as you are with no remorse then you are even more awful than I first thought you were. I am sad for you. I am sad because of you.
I will live on though and when I come to my end I will be surrounded by family and people who love me, surrounded by the life I have built as a survivor, a life in which I take what you have stolen from me and use it to educate others and I’ll NEVER stop sharing my story. I will share my story constantly and un-mercilessly. Because while the law in this country may be set-up by men as sick as you to protect men like you. My story will spread and will follow you until you draw your last breath. I will leave this world surrounded with love. You will leave it surrounded by shame. Everyone will know. And when you’re gone the world will have one less reason to fear for their children. The world will breathe a sigh of relief.