267379_2103663764910_2961205_n (1)

Dear Villain. 

I just need to get a few thing out the way before I launch into a slaughter of what a disgusting old fart you are…. No wait… lets just launch right into it.

You are really ugly, like real ugly, you look to me like a really smelly big toe with matted pubic hair on top from a public shower in an old country town where everyone has mutated into big toes from too much pubic hair in the water.
I am a woman now with really annoying and adorable children, and you are an old man with grandchildren that i hope to the goddesses are safe because no amount of warning from me has stopped you from being allowed to see them. Why do they protect you so? It’s not like you ever paid child support or even looked after them? You are their father, you can do no wrong.

I have given up so far (but not forever) to try and have you convicted for all those times you scared me enough to have me not fight against you, yell, or scream against you.

I had a counselling session with my Man of a husband the other day, a couples counselling session for us which almost always ends up being about me because you fucked me up. She asked me to put myself in a memory, so I did, I used the one that I have thought of a lot the past few days, the one where my brother sleeps peacefully on the other side of the room, the one that I actually think I did push you away, the one where I think that you actually quite hurt my vagina that time, and I squirmed under the pressure of your hands, when I was 8. When I was 8! And that one time I didn’t dissapear inside myself just to cope.

 She asked me to push you away, to push your rough grabby hands away from me, but I couldn’t, oh I tried Villain you know I did but I couldn’t then and I can’t now, and instead I cried and I was embarrassed that I was crying. She took me to the wall, she told me to push on it, to push with my arms, with all I have, with my entire body, and I did try, as hard as I could, there in that small white room decorated with indigenous original weave art with my man of a husband and a woman I barely know, I pushed, and I felt all the pain and the ache of the hurt being pressed back into my body and I wept uncontrollably. I wanted to cry so hard I felt I would collapse on to that tiny floor in that tiny room. She told me to slowly let go and physically release all that pain from that memory of trying to push you away, I let go and it left, it released and my tears stopped. I know it will come back because it always does but this, this is the pain you have caused me.

 You have taken my strength, my power and my freedom. You have taken the one part of me that I have no idea how to get back. I am not full of life because of you. My little girl is still missing. I barely know who she was between the sleepless nights and the nightmares. Wait…. I mean the nightmare and the nightmares. Each and every day, this is in my head. I can’t shake it and I probably never will. There are people just like you that get away with this every day. EVERY DAY. So you know you are safe right? Because the laws are protecting you.

Did you know Villain that when I go out, with my family or on my own, I think I see you, I think I see you in the faces of the few men with hair much like yours with the stature much like yours and I instantly am disgusted by them, they make me scared they make me irrationally scared. Yesterday when I ran with my old man lady fart dog I swear I saw you in a van with a friend and you watched me, I lost my breath and had a bolt of pain in my body for a second, even though it probably wasn’t you but my mind does this to me.

But you don’t care, remember when you told my Birdy (mum):

It was years ago, get over it..

When she confronted you about it. When she came to your home and punched you, you didn’t deny it. I want to come to your home, I want to destroy you, but you know what? I won’t, because I can’t, because the law protects you and if I even name and shamed you, I will be the one in trouble, I want to slash your tires on your car every week, but I can’t, I want to spray paint big dicks on your car and driveway but I can’t, I want my Batman to take dumps on your car seat…. but he can’t. Because the law, it protects you from us dumping in your car.

But at the end of the day, you Villain are a sick sick man and you don’t even understand that, you do not know or care that what you have done is a disgusting act, but what is actually worse that if you do know what a sick bastard you are and you can continue to live your life as you are with no remorse then you are even more awful than I first thought you were. I am sad for you. I am sad because of you.

I will live on though and when I come to my end I will be surrounded by family and people who love me, surrounded by the life I have built as a survivor, a life in which I take what you have stolen from me and use it to educate others and I’ll NEVER stop sharing my story. I will share my story constantly and un-mercilessly. Because while the law in this country may be set-up by men as sick as you to protect men like you. My story will spread and will follow you until you draw your last breath. I will leave this world surrounded with love. You will leave it surrounded by shame. Everyone will know. And when you’re gone the world will have one less reason to fear for their children. The world will breathe a sigh of relief.

Advertisements

32 thoughts

  1. What a sad and harrowing story! But your letter is angry and powerful and strong. I’m so impressed that you are able to speak out and tell your story (something I’m not yet able to do).

    Why do people protect abusers? I have been thinking about that a lot. I think it is some combination of shame, fear of being wrong, difficulty believing anyone they know would do something so terrible… I don’t know. Why do you think people keep protecting him?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I honestly do not know. Like if you met this man , you would see it in him. He’s no upstanding human, he’s not a great person nor has he ever been. He owes thousands of dollars to phone company’s for sex lines and owes so many people money and even cause one couple to lose their home after he didn’t pay rent for a large amount of time. 😦 I understand the bond between children and their kids but this one I will never understand.

      Like

  2. My Villian abused me for nearly thirteen years. He started molesting me at a very early age. The last time he sexually abused me, I screamed rape, because he was raping me. I was 13yrs. I told my boyfriend (now my husband ). I told my Villian I told my boyfriend and that if ever touched me again, we’d kill him. He moved out and married a woman with a newborn son. I was so scared for that baby. He knew if I had the chance I would tell her about him, because soon after, they moved to Colorado with all four of their children. Recently I asked him, if he ever hurt his kids. He said no. To leave him alone, get over it, and move on. I want to tell the world his name and that he is a child molester. My friends have come forward to me, and told me he tried to get them, they were able to get away. Now, he works in Colorado as a Child advocate for sexually abused children. I don’t know what to do. My nightmares, are so real, I don’t get much sleep. The adults I told in my early life, did nothing. They told me to keep it to myself. I don’t understand. Recently I told my parents, because I will not take this to my grave. They must know, I wasn’t lying. They replied. It’s been years, let it go. Be happy. I suffer from PTSD, anxiety, bipolar depression. It’s not fair…. Im scared for those children he is claiming to be helping. He’s a wolf, inside a place of innocent sheep. My nightmares continue.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I have reported it and have been going through to process for a few years. To only get no where 😦
        It’s just the laws now. They protect him. Thank you for reading. 😍

        Like

  3. I wish I could write something like this and actually send or say it to my brother. That though would take more strength than I have. I so appreciate that you don’t hold back your true feelings in this – very honest and courageous of you. I hope it maybe gave you some release.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Incredibly strong and powerful letter Antanika – will you send it to him?

    I wanted to chime in on the protection issue and why whether it’s childhood sexual abuse, rape at any age or domestic violence against women that society seems to protect the men. Like Q I think about it often and it appears to me that unless there are multiple victims who come forward those we tell think “well it’s over and it was only you so what’s the point in dragging all these other people through the mess.”

    It’s easier to say let it go and absolutely no understanding on how that can be next to impossible.

    I would love to see a way for survivors to tell their stories in a united way. I don’t know what that looks like but I think it needs to be big and bold with ugly details but also safe guards in place so we are not the ones who get in trouble and a way to protect those who wish to remain anonymous. Society needs to see there are millions of us and we are real.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Like a huge online data base? Interesting. Imagine what it would be like if we all banded together as one and changed it all.
      We did send it to him via Facebook (batman didn’t have him blocked yet, he blocked batman after he saw it)
      I felt good about it. But now I am just scared. I’m worried he will get angry or someone will and come to my home, I’m being very irrational. 😦

      Like

      1. No not a database, more like a message, a big powerful one. Lots of faces, some obscured if the survivor needed that, with snippets of details, like age when molested, how long, lasting effects? I’m rambling but I’ve been thinking about it all day. I need a cause, something to work on that says WE EXIST, see us, hear us, this shit still happens, believe us, it needs to stop.

        Like what Vanity Fair (was it them?) did with the Bill Cosby victims. 35-36 of them all in one photo. It was awesome because for months all kinds of people had been saying there was no way it was true. They shut up pretty quick after that photo came out.

        Maybe a webpage with thousands of photos. Here we are. We are real. We will not be ignored. Ok, I’m rambling again.

        Let me know your thoughts. We can pm through Facebook if you are interested in seeing this come together.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Pingback: adjust remembered

Leave me some text lurve :

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s