My own thumping footsteps in my ears, I’m trying to regulate my half dying body by breathing properly and I’m not failing but outrageously I’ve forgotten my music, what a bloody twat. Who ever says they want to be alone with their thoughts especially while running is cray, generally all I was expecting to hear myself say to myself was:
“Stop time now? Time to slow down? Can we go back now self, does this mean i can have cake later?”
A bazillion random thoughts fly past my mind as fast or slow (in my case) as I bound past the Trees.
I am running (more like a pathetic slow jog) because I was stupid enough to say I would run 21km and raise money so now im bound by my own generosity to actually follow that through so the training for that has begun. I am really beginning to doubt my abilities to physically be able to run that far…
I slow, I look up and I’ve come to my favorite part of this whole area, the black path, the pine trees unlike any others in the whole area. I’m constantly surprised that they’re there. They and the rocky walls surround the path like they were supposed to be there even though i know it’s all man made, apart from the rock, who ever decided to throw a path together carve out the rock and line it with pine trees, I salute you. Man, man made this section of my run pretty. Man also made the fence that separates me from the dump you can see barely 15 meters away but lets pretend that that part isn’t there since it doesn’t actually smell and it’s actually pretty weird that it’s even there. As i come out of the tunnel of trees, I stop and look around, its green, hills, some (a good 1000000000) noisy as hell corellas in the trees nearby and today it’s been warmer than it’s been in months, it has that it’s going to be summer soon smell. The glare of the sun in my glasses actually make everything a little bit beautiful like I have an instagram filter on my face… high five to you bad vision. Life isnt so bad. This moment, changes things.
Something’s clicked, I feel like something has shifted like I’ve grieved enough for my life, you know one of those ‘ohhhhhhhh yes I see now’ moments. I moved off the path and sat down and watched and took it all in, I didn’t think, I didn’t do anything but take it all in. I just sat and watched, I watched the cars on the main road in the distance, and it’s weird to me that they don’t even know I’m watching, I watched the birds, I watched the lawn, I even watched my legs.
I lace my runners again, stand up and pat the dirt off my bum and begin my run back up the path into the trees.
The sexual abuse pops in my thoughts, as it does throughout my day and I think back to my last counselling session. I’ve been feeling more powerful lately and less like I want to take dumps in his car. Maybe.
In my mind, I remember him, the Villain in my room, in my bed, his hands under my blankets, me pushing myself up against the wall to get away. Imagination Antanika then pushes him and then I run, and I run, it feels like happy, it feels so good, like the first coffee of the morning, mature, smart and relaxing, so I just keep with it in my mind, I actually ran faster than I ever had.
I think about my inner self, the little girl, the little me that I missed, that I barely remember my times with some days, and I actually feel like I might cry when I say to her outloud in the middle of a run
“I love you”
I’m still thinking about it when in the distance I see a little person, a teeny person on a scooter flying down the hill I’m running up, it’s Moo and behind him is Wheels shortly followed by Batman, Little Flea and Old man lady fart dog. My family, the only things that have seen me at my worst, my best and all that bull shit in between and love me anyway.
And they love me anyway.