You have probably somewhere at some point seen or heard, quotes, people say, generally people or ‘Derps’ think that the first stage of healing is forgiveness but I;
I will probably never forgive the Villain.

I had one of those intense shower sessions, not the sessy kind but the kind where I sit in the corner of the shower feeling sorry as shit for myself with my head bowed, overpowered with anger and despair about my relentless abuse yet again. The fact that while I sit defeated on the shower floor watching my daughter play with lego’s, he is sitting in his elderly mother’s home having a cigarette for breakfast in his navy blue dressing gown with the white piping and drinking his morning coffee, you know like a normal person.

I glanced up looking out from under my short wet hair at the water droplets staggering down the glass:

“I thought I was getting better?”

I watch those drops stagger, fall and sail down the glass so effortlessly, hoping that one day this, all of this, this ‘problem’ this ‘disease’ we call sexual abuse will one day too stagger and fall into a drain. Reality tells me it won’t, it will never fade away and it will never not be an issue for me. That is an irritating thought.

The effects of sexual abuse is something like a disease for the survivors, it might kill you, it might not and in the meantime you can only treat the symptoms and live with it just like anyone else does. Some days wishing it was terminal so eventually it might take you away from the pain at any moment giving you the release that you crave so much. Treating the symptoms doesn’t last long enough and you have no idea what or when they might be set off once that mindset you have adopted so lovingly temporarily and begrudgingly stops working. Then you are left to suffocate in the thoughts and writhe in the shallows of your own self disgust like a fish gasping for air in a rock pool. 

My soggy haired daughter ‘Little flea’ plops herself on one my knees and places an arm around my neck smiling and she says “My hair all wet mum, from the water” Yes daughter, it is. Simple as that. Her biggest issue is that the water has wet her hair meanwhile her mum sits like a soggy mess and wishes for the anguish inside to subside so she can muster the energy to get herself off the shower floor, I don’t get up, and I stay there sitting in a pile of numb.
I felt this downpour coming for a few days, it’s been weeks since I felt like this but I felt it coming and I feared it. The numbing sadness I had grown so used to missing was rearing it’s ugly ass and I knew it wasn’t far till I deeply engrossed in it again..
The first pour of doom was when I saw the Villains eldest son, in his car when I was turning the corner on the way to the gym, I froze and my chest instantly tightened.
One step, two step, almost the whole way there…
The last downpour of bigger doom was when we went to the video store on Sunday, you know like we used to when we were kids way back in the day? We wanted to give the kids the experience of like actually visiting a store with the excitement of picking your own DVD. Batman and I hired a Ryan ‘sexy’ Reynolds movie called ‘The Captive‘ we didn’t know what it was about till halfway through when we discovered it was about a child porn ring and how his daughter was taken and spends her childhood as part of that ring. Something as small as this, will set me off, my mind will unknowingly spur into thought patterns, almost doing it behind my back and the next thing I know I am plonked right in the middle of a sad raining empty music festival in a wet paddock filled with empty beer cans of death.
We should have stopped watching, I wish now that I had stopped watching, Batman wanted to turn it off but I was stubborn and refused to let it beat me despite the warning signals my body was giving me. I felt physically sick and shaken and I refused to let Batman see that, especially after he wanted to turn it off. Such a great quality of mine, stubbornness. Like a glass of fresh salty water.

This is where the unforgivable part begins:

So now I am spending this day forcing the anxiety away, forcing myself to remember how far i’ve come and the strength it’s taken me to get here but some days that really just isn’t enough. Somedays will be awful, I will be awful and trying to keep sight of the bigger picture is harder than it seems, even just for people without abuse that can be hard.
I have to spend the day forcing myself to enjoy the kids and I will and have failed miserably.  I yell, I huff and I blow their cheery little houses in, I’m upsetting them and myself in the process. Mum fail. Trying to be tolerable about the fact I have to help my daughter pee every 5 minutes, spending my day without showing my irritation that someone asking me to do one more thing for someone that isn’t me. Mum fail. The kids fights, the constant “mummy help me, mummy I need a poo but then no poo, mummy I’m hungry (a fucking gain) mummy, mummy, fucking mummy” all day long.
Being a mum on these days is the hardest thing I have to do, the hardest thing I will ever have to do.  When all I need and all I want is some time to sit alone and grieve, cry in my own self pity for part of a day and I can’t. The guilt of not being here and present with my kids, being there for them throughout this day is the worst guilt of all.

I will never be able to forgive someone for something they did to me that some days crushes me to the point  that I can’t be there for my children in the present day, sometimes this just breaks me to the point of tears and this can eat me up just as much as the abuse. But that doesn’t make the day go any better, it’s a cycle, I feel shit, I feel sad and angry, they annoy me more because I am already low, they feed off my bad vibes and act accordingly, so on and so on.
Like a pretty unicorn carousel without the pretty unicorns.

This abuse not only has caused ripples in my life directly but is rippling out through to my Batman my biggest supporter, my family, my children, the most innocent. My children, who were not even there, who will never know the life once had, my children who are nothing but bystanders watching my pain.
How does this change the people they are?

How can I ever forgive the Villain for that?

49 thoughts

  1. You don’t have to. That’s the thing most people don’t get, sure they call it a grudge, but The Villain did horrible things to you, and nobody has the right to tell you to move on, or forgive him. Only -YOU- will know when you are ready to move on from it. Cause you are the one who lived it on a deep personal level, that nobody can truly understand. Sure others like myself can relate, but each story while sounding the same at the core, strike different reactions and strike different triggers. The only thing people should be doing, is supporting you, and telling you that what he did, was not your fault, and to give you the time and space you need to recover mentally when a bad day happens. Though everyone has a different way of coping. I craft, You blog, or maybe do other things. So yeah. You don’t have to forgive him for anything.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You hit the nail on the head. Thank you. I can’t imagine anyone actually really forgiving someone for abuse. Just the incredible amount of self love you must have to have to do that would be incredible.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thank you cause sometimes I feel like all I read about are survivors who are either living in the deep dark messy place still or they are healed. You are in between, I am in between. Yay! We are not alone. Maybe others are too and they just don’t write about it. We are ok and it’s where we are supposed to be right now. Or at least that’s how I’m looking at it now – in between.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. They do not deserve to be forgiven in my opinion. The only person I forgive is myself. Though this is a struggle at times. I understand your need to be alone with your grief etc. It’s so hard when this is not possible. If I cry now or recognise I’m not in a good space I explain, that I’m just dealing with past emotions that I feel now. When children are young as yours they can’t understand this. It’s not fucking easy but your doing fine they will be fine. They will see how strong and amazing you! are.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are amazing. Thank you. I will never understand how you can forgive? Like what must that take?
      I always explain to them that I’m having a hard time and that it’s not because of them and that I’m sorry. They don’t know what it means but I know one day they will.

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      1. And thank you. No I don’t understand how that can be. I use to think yes I have to forgive. It’s a personal choice if we do or don’t and does not hinder out healing.
        My youngest is the one who got the brunt of my depression and what I can say of her is she is so loving and has high emotional intelligence. Those are perfect answers for your children. They will learn to value their own feelings etc. Thank you for being so honest about the difficulties that takes guts. So many struggle and most likely always will but with people like you they will feel “normal” and so much less isolated. Keep up the fantastic work.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah I certainly feel so
        Much less alone since the blogs started. It’s good for me. This blog has saved my sanity in so many ways. I owe so much to mere words written! Plus there’s the support of you guys that seriously has made it so much better.

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      3. Yes same. And I am so grateful for you telling me about this site. There is something real special in sharing and having the empathetic responses from others. I’m go g to attend a course here in uk for “survivors” in a couple of weeks. It’s just a few hours. My partner is coming with me. Will be great for my trust issues 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. By the way I just looked at the photo properly on this post, as it wasnt showing in its entirety on my mobile. Such a beautiful empowering picture. The trust and purity in you and the admiration/ love in your husband for you really oozes out ,it really touches me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I had a much longer response but deleted it. It included how I notice you are so present for your children. I zoned out a lot. Still work on that. And I worried my anxiety and deep depressions would damage my sons, along with so many other challenges too. Yet my sons are compassionate, loving, capable men, unusually so. The youngest assures me it is because of my challenges he has learned compassion and to reach out to those in need even if it just to listen. Connecting to such deep pain in their mother, and watching her climb out of the abyss showed them some things I hadn’t realized.
      I felt saddened envisioning you punched in the gut so hard you crumbled in the shower. And despise villain for his treachery wishing for justice that will probably never come. It would help if he lived far enough away to not see any of them.
      In the states some are working to dispose of the Statute of Limitations for sexual crimes against women and children. It has come to the forefront due to the comedian who shall not be named, and his despicable crimes against countless women.
      The best justice is a life well lived, releasing his evil grasp. You will. You are. Takes time for some. It did for me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Are you just so incredibly proud that your son is that way because of you? That is a big deal 🙂 All this pain and sadness you had made him a wonderful man, I shall take a page from your book and Hope my sons learns the same things.
        I guess I don’t feel present when Im in those moments because i am so in my head I feel ive gone somewhere else. I feel sad for them that they do not get their mum fully.
        We are moving about 30 mins drive away in January because of this reason, there are 3-4 separate houses i lived in around here what i was also abused in and every time I drive past one its all i think about. Thank you. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

    2. That is progress. You’re right, we are somehow given the idea that forgiveness is like this big path to healing, in many things not just abuse. So We cant help but feel lost when we realise that we will never forgive, does that mean we will never heal properly?

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      1. Part of what I deleted, Sarah mentioned, acceptance. That was the hardest for me. And recent, as in only the last few years.
        I spent much of my life wishing to be someone else luckier than me, loved and protected by her family. I wished so hard and often, every time I came close to a happy young girl, adolescent, or woman.
        I fought against what was, raged against it. Yet a variety of factors helped release me from the blackness I felt.
        My mom died a bit over six years ago. I felt free to write about her sons, and as each chapter came up, so did the tears, wounds, and dirt. I began to feel better, whole. And a thing best described as ‘acceptance’ came. That for me is synonymous to forgiveness.
        It was OK to be me, and I was at peace. When I reached this place, or it entered into me, I stopped raging and hating, not so much those that hurt me, but me. When I felt released from that rage, my hate and rage towards them dissipated.
        Who needed forgiveness the most was me, because I was the one beating myself up the most. I still work on gentleness towards myself. And that’s OK.
        So, yes, you can heal, and in my opinion, by providing yourself with all the warmth, love, comfort, forgiveness, compassion, gentleness and acceptance you give others.
        It’s an ongoing process for me…

        Liked by 2 people

      2. This comment actually made me feel very good. Made a lot of sense to me. I struggle to be just happy with me, but I don’t have to always be happy with myself, just ok with it. Thank you.

        The death of your mum in general would have to be such a big deal but funny how it actually helped you heal. Just wow. Thanks so much for sharing.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Yes, I do believe there are survivors who would considered themselves healed, or much farther along, less affected by triggers and memories than you and I and others. Perhaps the difference is that they got justice or were believed or supported by their families – whatever it was they needed to let go, they got.

    So if justice isn’t possible, nor forgiveness, or support from family then what? I think you have to find it somehow from within, on your own, and that is incredibly hard. It’s what I struggle with and why I sit in this I between place – wishing family would hold my hand and not understanding why they won’t but yet not able to move into a place where I can let that go.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Aarrgghhh – the people who say we must first forgive! Um, NO – we don’t! For those who can, I am sincerely proud of you. But for those of us who can’t, who won’t – it makes us no lesser of a person nor no lesser able to heal. Certain acts do not deserve forgiveness. For me, I have always said that I can accept but I cannot forgive. Acceptance of what was and what it, that is what has allowed me to move forward with my life and start to heal.

    Please find strength in knowing that you are not alone in feeling this way. It takes strength to be aware of how you feel and courage to be able to voice it. I’m proud of you! HUGS!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🙂
      But isn’t it frustrating, I read an article the other day about it, and it made me furious. I sometimes having trouble understanding other peoples opinions like that. Yes to accepting, and not forgiveness, to forgive something like these things almost in my head means it makes it ok. It is not ok.

      Thank you so much for commenting. This blog go so many people talking about forgiveness. And they all agree.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. Great comments on this one – just love this conversation! Antanika you said something above that really hit home for me – that forgiving almost makes it ok. I can see how it would be so much easier to forgive a villain who had been punished – the murderer serving a life sentence, the drunk driver losing his license and spending time in jail – but for so many of us there is no justice and on top of that there is also no I’m sorry. I can accept what happened but I cannot forgive those who won’t take responsibility for their role in what happened to me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! Exactly, the No sorry part. Like, I have contacted him, I have told his family, and not once has he ever acknowledged what he did to me, apart from the one time he told my mum to get over it. People like him, can’t even bring themselves to apologise or acknowledge something they did, that they know is bad, deserves nothing. No forgiveness. Because That would make them think it was just ok.What they did must not have been bad enough. Well said Tracey!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Lol. I love that phrase. I’m sorry for us ALL and to all the shits that never said sorry or ever will get brought to justice, KARMA is waiting, somehow ,somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for helping ME accept that I am NOT alone!!! I have done the zillions of “forgive THEM” therapies, imaginary fires to burn the past, lol PHYSICAL fires to burn the letters I wrote to my perps to let them know every single feeling and emotion I experienced (daily/weekly/monthly/occasionally) since the abuses………oh hell name it and I’ve tried it……..and failed……….the dark cloak is just hovering above me when I least expect it and want it and before I know I’m covered by the darkness and spiralling down into the darkest shadows of remembrance, anger, grief, bitterness, sadness and yes utter hatred!!! My family choirs from ONE voice……..move forward, put the past behind you now, move on, time to forgive, time to stop blaming your past for who you are today………I wish it was so easy, I really do!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow. Elna, Powerful comment. It will never been easy, and while there are those out there that can forgive and forget I don’t know if I will ever be in that place, and you don’t have to either. What you forgive and you forget is completely up to you. I would love to be able to do these things. As i am sure you wish you could. We are together in this. ❤

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  9. Wrote quite a long reply……….it was wiped, not starting over again :-p Just want to say: Thank you for making me realize I am not alone!!!! Hugs to you and thank you for your blogs!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Antanika, I have just come across your FB page and blog. Read for a few hours.
    I have just read “Why I Won’t Forgive My Childhood Sexual Abuser”
    You have a writing style that is beautiful. It reached me, touched me and resonated with my own experiences as a young mum, trying to be a good mum, and engaged and ‘present’ mum and wife while carrying this dark load.
    I’m much older now – 48 and my kids are grown and living out of home.
    They visual picture you expressed, sitting in the shower was powerful…and reminiscent of many moments in my own life.
    Especially the “ripple effect” that you express.
    I went or should say go through periods of resentment that are hard to explain to others….it isn’t the memory of the sex acts that are the paramount issues…it’s the way it still effects my life to this day and the life of my children and partner…Who would I have become had this not happened? How different would my children be? What kind of relationship would I have had????? Etc!!
    I was sexually abused from my earliest memories till I was 16 by my own father.
    I am fortunate enough to be able to say that my perpetrator went to prison for 6 years for part of his crimes…
    I have heard all the things that can be said about forgiveness.
    I firmly believe in the healing power if forgiveness in life……but not this.
    People who normally advocate this would struggle to forgive someone for stealing their car. . Let alone stealing their life.
    This crime…is the worst crime.
    I don’t reserve hatred – I feel nothing – I have spent my time focusing on me not him…to be consumed with hatred will just add more to what I deal with.
    Anger is valid and should be expressed as required.
    Forgiveness?? For these people? No.
    Not even if they have been through the same themselves….
    Save your forgiveness for yourself….
    And I do not mean (contrary to some sick people’s opinion) forgiveness for being involved etc….I mean save your forgiveness for yourself when you feel like you have been “a bad mum” or “a slack friend”
    You are beautiful and wonderful.
    The road ahead will be great! !
    Your challenges will change and those overwhelming moments will come…but you will be fine your are so strong.
    Xxx Sonia

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Sonia,
      Of all the message i get from people, these ones are my favorite, the ones where someone who knows what it’s like understands me, i started all this not realising that so many people know how it feels, not realising that our pain, our turmoil is all the same. So messages like this help my process in healing so much, more than some people will ever realise.

      More these days than ever I think you are right, forgiveness for them? No. Forgiveness for myself, yes absolutely. But it takes such a long time to realise how important that actually is, you actually have no idea where to even begin to heal, when really all along the healing begins with us. Isn’t that just phenomenal? It starts with us and ends with us no matter what has been done to us in the process?
      AHHHHMAZING.

      Everything you say now I get, but months, years ago I would haven’t even in my wildest dreams been able to understand what you meant. Now I do, and that in its self has changed my life, comments like yours, from people who have been or are where I am, made that possible.

      As cliche as it sounds, it’s true.

      Thank you Sonia.

      You are beautiful, and wonderful.
      xxxx

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