You know that moment when you’re all like “What the fuck am I even doing with my life?”
But once you write that shiz down it actually makes you feel not quite as bad as before.
The run and The charity
In eighteen days; I’ll be running, then I’ll be jogging, then i’ll be crying while walking, then i’ll be crying while dawdling, then i’ll be on my knees crawling and crying and scrambling, with twigs in my hair and dirt all over me as I roll myself awkwardly to the 21km finish line with my friend ‘Hipster Pete’ somewhere in front or behind me doing the exact same thing but a man and possibly more or less crying? All in the name of Charity. What the fuck Neeks. Why you do this to yourself.
This run is one of the things I’ve committed myself to since ‘feeling better’. I regret that now. No I don’t really. Maybe just the actual running part. Because you can never regret charity. No Ragrets.( And so you know, I am a terrible runner, everything flops everywhere, my knees hurt, I get billions of blisters and black eyes.)
So far I along with my friends have raised $630 of the initial $500 goal I had set for myself, so my new goal is $700. Go me right? I’ll include the link right HERE incase you are feeling charitable…. and what not. If you can’t donate then share it because sharing is caring, right guys?Aye?
I’m raising it for a small charity called Restoring hope. Started by a woman called Kim in Victoria in 2014, she was also abused and this charity is a positive result of that. Restoring hope provides crisis packs and art therapy packs to children and youth that are taken to hospital following sexual abuse, often the children’s clothing etc is taken from them for evidence so Restoring hope buys care packs for these children (see included pics) Art therapy is also a good way to get children to show or speak about what happened to them using arts and crafts. They also help provide parents or carers with pre paid phones and credit if they need them and petrol vouchers to get children and youth to and from appointments. The thing they are the biggest about is awareness, talking about sexual abuse- the signs, the aftermath. Talking about ways to talk to children and adults about abuse is all part of what this charity is about and I love that . Awareness is…. awareness? I’ve also been helping them with their social media content, so each morning I scoure the internet looking for inspirational stories, words, pics and quotes. It’s fun but sometimes it’s hard to find something inspiring out of something so sad.
Batman and I were going to couples counselling, which ended up being mainly sessions about me and how messed up I seemed to be or should have been which ended up with the counsellor staring wide eyed and bushy tailed at me in awe or something like ‘WTF’. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if this was actually a compliment or not. Because she genuinely seemed impressed by me. So I think I’ll take it as a great compliment.
She was also great with parenting stuff, she showed us some techniques to use with our kids, because kids drain your body of coffee and that’s why us mum’s and dad’s have an addiction to coffee. So she showed us some things, we went home with some things and tried them things out. The children, they stopped being assholes. The became empathic angels of gold and glitter. No they didn’t really but it sure did help, these techniques worked. We thought “hmmm imagine if we could adapt this to a book, for kids and parents to learn said techniques”. So we google. No kids books, good for us because “hey we wanna write our own”. So far we have the characters, design, some good ideas and all we need to do is to find my damn water colour paints (which is all that’s holding up the process) that and to write the story.
So it’s a long standing work in progress because life.
As well as Adjust Remembered, I was writing freelance styles like a gangstarrrr and contributing to a few different mum style web pages, for free. Some of those articles I wrote were actually really good. I decided against doing that after a while because I want to keep my good writings for my own blog because sometimes you gotta be a greedy jerk plus they have heaps of good writers already so who’s the greedy one now? Hey? This blog is like my 4th baby, this blog has saved me and I owe so much to it, to those that read it and make it heard. No you don’t get any gifts, not until that book makes us heaps of money and stuff.
My aim, is to one day take parts of these blogs and turn them into a book like the bible, but heaps less death and torment. There are a billion stories out there like mine, lots of those that have written about it, but there is only one me and my own perspective is mine, and so she turned water into wine and somesing somesing.
Will people even read books by then? It’s taken me like 4 months to read 1/3rd of ‘Wild’…Nope, books won’t even exist soon and our kids will be like “Mum, remember in the old days when you read those works on paper and the paper gave your whole generation cancer” -or something. So I guess it’ll be a book that isn’t a book that is in the air suspended by lasers that you turn its ‘pages’ with an extra hard blink or a extra hard swallow.
The husband and the kids
This is still a work in progress, they are always requiring sustenance, apparently to grow. Healthy sustenance too. We watched ‘That Sugar Film’ which was actually made by a friend of a friend from right here in South Australia which means I am pretty much famous. Anyway we watched that film and realised that sugar is making our kids crazy addicts, so for one day (today is day 2) I lowered the intake of refined sugars in the foods we would usually eat, you know the foods that are easy, a tub of yogurt, more jam on toast, dried fruits, ‘healthy cereals’ and guess what, they didn’t act like meth addicts, so thats a plus right? Drugs and Sugar are bad.
Today is also Batman’s last day of working a normal person job, it’s getting old now Batman, I’m getting lonely and I am tired of doing everything alone like all the other women with husbands or partners with normal people jobs. I am not cut out to parent ….alone….. alll the time. Plus. Who is going to to the fucking dishes because I am so done.
A thing I am so so excited about. Come late January we will be moving to a completely different area, thanks to an old friend, now new friend and his new friend wife whom we will affectionately call “The Darlings” . They must have incredible trust and faith in us and our sexy bodies.
Why is this so exciting? Well other than the whole packing with kids bull shit and listening to them scream while I throw every half broken toy or missing puzzle piece away and argue with them why we can’t keep that old saltana or “Mum why did you suck up that marble and my sock in the vacuum cleaner” followed by insane screaming. That part will suck like so much suck right there.
But I will be away from some triggers of mine, there are 3 homes with in 5 minutes of my house that I was abused in or he attempted to abuse me in. Everytime we drive past or near one, it’s all that come into my mind. The relief I will have in that alone will be worth all the fights about old sultanas and marbles and old socks in the world. The Villain lives 15 minutes away from my home, his family all live here too. I can’t help but hope or wish or dream or something that this new home will open a whole new stage of healing for me.
I am only getting each better each day and while I have my bad days these are all things I have to look forward to, these are all things I wouldn’t have done or would have not opened myself up to. If not for the healing I have done so far.
If it wasn’t for the blog bringing me out of my dark smelly cloud, I would never have begun my healing, if it wasn’t for trying to heal I would never have even considered a run for charity, I would never have sought counselling which urged me to write a book for children or for myself and if it weren’t for my blog and healing I wouldn’t have decided I need to change my area to rid myself of triggers and I wouldn’t have a new home to move to.
This is what I am doing with my life.