I was so close to being a fucking champion. . .
We were sitting together at the dinner table (the table I never finished painting properly which Batman insists is barely noticeable and gives it a “rustic” look) anyway, everyone was in pretty good moods considering it was dinner time, it happens sometimes in like, very rare intervals but it does happen. I looked at my plate after taking a very hesitant bite from my own dinner almost wishing I could spit it out when I leant over and I whispered to Batman “You probably shouldn’t eat that eggplant schnitzel because it tastes like boogs (-See Boogers)”. He agreed and we picked at our plain ole veggies. Sometimes I like to eat less meat almost to the point that I am sure I’ll become vegetarian again one day, so I used my mum skills and made something disgusting and I am almost sure that it was just actually accidentally overcooked bullshit. It was in no way nice and I actually have no idea what happened because when I fluke dinner it’s almost always awesome.
I stare down at my beloved brown retro flower plate, I pick up the broccoli with my fork and shove it in, chewing it like a moose as I glance around the table. I watch Little flea picking the broccoli tops off her broccoli stems and essentially only eating air, by the looks of it she seems to also agree that my eggplant dish tastes like a piece of poo because she doesn’t even consider it.
I look at Moo who’s across the table from me, Moo, my middle spawn who declares every dinner time that “I don’t like dinner” before even knowing what dinner is. Even if I speak of dinner at lunch time he claims to not want it. “I don’t like dinner”.
You don’t even know Moo!
But right now my almost 4 year old is eating his dinner. He’s eating the dinner he claimed as the “I don’t like dinner” dinner. He is willingly placing food in his mouth that isn’t pizza or yogurt. I almost don’t want to move or breathe because I fear anything might disturb him and he might realise he’s eating a full piece of broccoli, stalk and all. I am still silent when he eats some of Little fleas and then some of mine.
What the fuck is going on. We need to have a party. The triumph a parent feels when a child eats almost an entire meal is like no triumph you will ever feel. I am a champion, I am invincible!!!
Cue that music that plays at the end of races, Chariots of fire? Dn dn dn dn dn, dnd dn dn dn. Streamers, balloons and party poppers!
Back at the table I look at Batman next to me too scared to utter any words that may jinx me, to scared to say the words that parents the world over should never ever utter, no matter how quiet, no matter how safe it might seem. But all I want to scream in Batmans face is “He’s fucking eating it all, are you fucking watching this at all? Are you not entertained!!?
This. This moment could be the first time in 2 years he’s eaten an entire meal.
He gets to the eggplant and I pause for the protest but there is none and I watch him in awe but he’s doing it, he’s eating the one thing none of us wanted to eat, the one we didn’t eat. I tell him “You don’t have to eat that” but he insists on eating it and eats it until the last bite and that’s when I turn to Batman almost fearing the words that are already coming from mouth and say “He’s devouring that” and with that small sentence Moo looks at me across the table, opens his mouth and allows that last soggy chewed morsel of eggplant flop on to his dinner plate.
Do not pass Go. Do not get triumphant champion dollars.
I jinxed it. Parents the world over know my mistake, they know the pain I have just caused myself. We as parents know to never say things like “He’s eating all his dinner” or “She slept all night in her own bed” or other classics like “Yay you wear knickers what a big girl“.
You never ever under any circumstance speak any mini-parenting achievements out loud…it is an unspoken rule, a rule of which I never seem to abide by because I can’t even learn from my own lessons. Point taken Universe.