“Looks like someone forgot to shave this morning” a male friend announced to our group of friends, they all giggle and I embarrassingly and quickly placed my arms back down to my sides. I was 14, I had not shaved my armpits for maybe two whole days. I was 14 years old and already ashamed of my body for doing something my body and everyone else’s body did. Grow hair.
I was not a hairy person but that particular morning I was in a rush and thought ‘I will just skip it today’. Silly ole 14 year old Neeks stood at lunch in the beautiful warm sun in a circle of friends with both arms resting over my head so stop the sun from poking me with it’s rays of burning light right in the eyes. Afterwards I spent the rest of the day shaming myself for not shaving that morning. Oh the embarrassment.
Years earlier in Year 6, I sat in the sun at lunch with some girls from my class a-top a metal framed dome when one said “Oh my god your legs are so hairy, as if you don’t shave them yet?!?” That night I snuck the razor from my mum’s stash and attempted to shave my legs but had no idea what I was doing, nerve-wracked and scared of getting busted I gave up and wore pants for the rest of the year. Oh the shame.
Fast forward heaps of years:
“Excuse the hairy Legs” I say to Batman as we wedge ourselves into our hot small bath, “Woah they are hairy” He replied, completely unphased. He gave zero fucks about my body hair, he never has but yet here I am a 30 year old mother of 3 still apologising for something my body does without me even doing anything, the exact same thing my husband’s body does too. Why the fuck doesn’t he have to shave his señor balls ‘n’ butt? Because society doesn’t expect him to, that’s why.
Fact/ maybe?: In the cave man days, cave-men often ‘shaved’ their beards not because it’s prettier (because it’s not, I am a big beard person) but because it was a survival thing, you know, like when they fight the Saber Tooth Tigers over a Wooly Mammoth for dinner so they wouldn’t get caught on a tooth or something. Apparently…. Don’t quote me on this. This was purely a fun fact.
Then a long time ago there was a famous art critic called John Ruskin that reportedly refused to consummate his marriage to Effie Gray, apparently because her ‘person’ wasn’t what he had expected so it was then rumoured that her Vag-hair was not shaved as he had expected it to be. This was back in the good ole days of 1848 and the marriage was famously annulled . What a hairy bitch, how dare she grow hair there. However many believe this is because it was typical that women in painted art back then were often painted hairless, this lead men to believe that women, should/ were to be hairless. Hair means unkempt, hair means uncivilised, hair means you are a dirty filthy good for nothin’ or un-consumatable (see: un-sexable)?
This is almost true for this day and age…
Going out friday night? Better shave those beef curtains because man, if you pick up a hottie and you have hair there, in the same place he does, boy, are you going to be embarrassed. He will just run, he will grab his dick and balls and run. He will never look back.
I haven’t shaved my legs for over a week, my armpits maybe 3-4 days because…just cos. But technically now I am a dirty, filthy, good for nothin’ and no one will find me attractive or want to breed with me because of this… But I sometimes just can’t be fucked, because you have to sit down on the shower floor then get the hair you actually are allowed to keep wet and that is just annoying if your hair looks it’s best dirty (like mine, because I am a dirty filthy good for nothin’).
However I will shave if I have to go somewhere that people who don’t know me might see me because I don’t want to be judged.
I imagine me heading to the shops with my hairy, good for nothin’ legs. I bump into an acquaintance, they then randomly look down look down at my hairy, filthy good for nothin’ legs, they gasp in disgust, they think “oh yuck” then they go off and tell all their friends that they bumped into Neeks at the shop and “Oh MY GOD her legs were full of hairs, I can’t even imagine her vagina”...
This is totally something that would/might/probably would happen if I didn’t shave.
Now. My question (or this could actually be a statement):
Society expects me to shave my armpits, my legs, shave all the vagina’s and the thigh-burns (bikini line). We have been programmed to see hair on our bodies, predominantly women’s bodies as something to be grossed out by, something to be embarrassed by and something to apologise for. But how can we blame someone that does judge us based on this? Because it’s been so ingrained into us since we began growing it. How do we even change this? How do we reprogram entire nations to stop judging people on their bodies for doing something everyone’s body does.
Why do we keep apologising? We need to stop apologising for something that society made a thing. In this day and age how does this even still remain a thing? In a world where women only gain more and more power, we still allow this outdated ‘trend’ to potentially embarrass us?
So from now on I will stop apologising to Batman and my friends whom I ‘accidentally’ rub up against at the gym for my uncivilized good for nothin’, hairy legs, thigh-burns, and uncivilized armpits. Because he doesn’t even care. They don’t even care. Hell. I don’t even care, I may even grow them out so someone can have a snigger at my expense next time. Probably not though because at the end of the day I do prefer how it feels, but is that only because it’s how we have all been conditioned? Oh man. I could go for days.
Good for nothin’ Hair.