new year

Dear 2015 Antanika,

You found last year to be one of your most challenging years of all, mentally and emotionally but despite the tears, the depression, the anxiety and the intense inner turmoil, 2015 was actually a good year.  In 20 years I want us to come back to this part of Adjust Remembered and read this. Sit down with your coffee old age Neeks, don’t forget to put that cushion behind your back because let’s be honest you ain’t what you used to be old age Neeks.

Why was 2015 so good?

You grew. You grew so much.
You probably put on a few Kg’s in that last part of 2015 like most people and you probably didn’t need that entire block of Hazelnut chocolate last night. Don’t worry though, you’re going to start kickboxing in 2016 and it’ll fix that right up. Fatty. 
But no, you grew to the point that your own husband said “I feel like I know you now, I didn’t know you before, I didn’t even know you when I married you”. The truth is though is that until this year, you felt like you didn’t know your self either, and you didn’t. That’s a good thing old age Neeks.

You became you, this year, you have never been so sure of yourself before, even when you doubt yourself for growing out that grey streak this year, you know, you know in your heart of hearts that it’s for the best.
You actually know more about yourself now than ever before, however painful some of those things were, you know more, you understand more and you finally accept the awful things that happened to you as awful things and not just something to either get over or ignore.

You finally had the dick n balls to say “What happened to me isn’t and wasn’t ok” and you actually tried to do something to better yourself because of that. That is something you haven’t done for yourself in almost 25 years. You stood up for yourself to try and make you a better you. I’m impressed. Did you ever think you would do that?

Well fucking done.
You somehow during that turmoil started an outrageously funny and honest blog (my words), sought some counselling, were a friend, a wife and a mother to 3 spawn/children. You ran/died through a  21km run and raised money for a charity. You also got paid to write, maybe only a little but hey, it makes you look heaps cool.
You became a calmer better mother, a more understanding wife and better adjusted less bruised woman.

You relaxed, you became more open minded and saw the injustices of the world in a way you never had, you found more empathy when you thought you had none for others. You hate less people while somehow hating so many things about the way the world works, it’s magical isn’t it?
This has spurred you to think in ways you never had, it’s made you want to do things that you haven’t quite figured out how to do, yet.
You have somehow despite being sad for the better part of the year, still lived. You became honest with yourself and realised your opinions on things do matter (apart from those on anything political because Neeks don’t do politics).
You became so aware of yourself that you have finally begun to see things in you and in the child within you that mattered. Your love of reading and writing as a child somehow had hidden itself until this year,  when you finally sat down and wrote everything you struggled to say in person it just fell from your mind and into the fingertips that push these very keys. You wrote things that not only helped you deal with what you were going through, you helped hundreds of others deal with their own pain too.
You also helped old Mary at the coffee shop with her chair that day and then forever honored her as your very own Grandma.Oh Mary, with over 3,500 Gloria Jeans member points… So many free coffees.

You loved and supported people, despite your own ever unfolding trauma and in turn you were loved and supported. Your friends cried with you, your husband loved you when you made it hard to love you. People belived in you.
In turn you opened your life to a billion (I may be exaggerating here, maybe not a billion, but a lot of) possibilities and you realised you now have any of the opportunities you want, you can do whatever you want and the hardest part of that is picking which path to follow.

Most of all you found your voice and while you have a huge amount of work to do and maybe it will never really ever be done, at least you know that you made it through this very hard year.

You have so many more years to make incredibly beautiful and painful memories that make you, you.
You don’t need New Year resolutions because your entire year was a resolution, a resolution that you didn’t even make.

Love 2016 Neeks.

x
P.s.  Promise us that you will also rightfully tell anyone who needs to ‘get fucked’ to indeed ‘get fucked’ in this coming year.

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