I wake up and cuddle into my Batman, we share an awkward morning kiss, I say “Is that rain?” He says “Yes” and we cuddle some more, he gets up, and leaves me lying in our cosy windowless room with the dark purple walls with the delightful glow of our bedside lamps. Silence.
I lie there in silence listening to the rain, the rain is pelting down on our roof and it sounds like something you read in a book, ‘the rain falls on the tin roof, serving my senses’ or some shit but all I can think of though is ‘Oh shit, the washing’. 
I roll out of bed yelling at my husband “I didn’t know you weren’t coming back, I didn’t know, just leave me here then, just leave meeeeee”.
My Ten year old Wheels tells me, “He can’t hear you, he’s outside getting the drum kit from the car, you can stop yelling.” 
My wails are rendered useless. I plod myself to the toilet, quiet and uninterrupted.

Then I remember; my small children, my three and four year olds are at Nanny and Poppy’s house, and they will be there for another 2 days.
Suddenly the sun shines through the roof, washing me in a bright warm light, like those you see cutting through clouds over the ocean. (That didn’t really happen obviously but that’s what I felt like might happen). I was peeing uninterrupted.

Here is a list of things I am able to do when my smaller kids aren’t home.

  • I can sit my actual hot coffee cup on the actual coffee table like it was intended.
  • I can drink a coffee while it’s hot, as intended
  • I don’t have to share any of my breakfast, and I don’t actually have to make anyone else any breakfast either
  • I can eat breakfast when ever the fuck I like
  • I can binge watch ‘How I met your mother’ while drinking said coffee without listening to mortified screams of “BUT I WANNA WATCH KIDS SHOWS”.
  • I can sit down, without getting elbowed violently in the boob/ arm/ thigh, or without spilling any coffee.
  • I don’t have to wipe up any mother fucking spills after I already jinxed myself by saying “be careful, you’ll spill it”, then they fucking spill it and you just can’t tell who’s fault it is? Mine, for jinxing or theirs for being clumsy bastards.
  • I don’t have to deal with 2 other people’s morning dumps or cries of “MUM, Can you wipe my bum”.That is only the short morning list, I could go on all day about the things I could do without them here.
    Heres a list of things I actually did do already with out them here:
  • I waited to hear them yell “MUM” while I was on the toilet
  • I waited for one of them to crawl into my bed in the night
  • I thought I heard crying, but it was a hungry cat
  • I looked longingly into their bedrooms
  • I went into one bedroom and layed down on one of their beds
  • I looked at old photos of them on time hop and forced Batman to look at them
  • I talked about them again
  • I thought about them again
  • I missed them again
  • I cuddled the dog in lieu of child and told her “oh baby beebo baggins boo boo I rove roo”
  • I put a nappy on the dog. (Not really, but I did dress the dog once).

So I can’t win, I mourn and ache for them when they’re not here. I was looking forward to my break from them all week long, in fact I am almost 95% sure that the only reason I got through this week was because I knew a break was coming. Until they go and all I want is for them to be here with me, annoying the fuck out of me, crying like babies, screaming in each others angelic little faces, punching me and each other, hassling me for food while I try to write. I miss them cocking their little heads at me like confused puppies and giving me thumbs up’s while awkwardly winking and cuddling into my boobs and telling me they love me.

So I sit here in somewhat silence, somewhat; the tree outside casting a beautiful warm light over the lounge room, where I sit and write to the sounds of the drum kit that Batman has since set up to teach our eldest to play. All signs of silence has been lost in that.
‘How I met your mother’ is playing in the background and here I am wondering what my babies are doing, wondering if my little Moo’s toe nail has fallen off yet from the rock he dropped on it days ago and wondering if Little Flea is using the toilet properly.

Parenting is the most confusing thing in the world.



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