My family and I recently moved to an area with a lot more traffic, I fucking hate traffic and I am sure you all, hate traffic too. Feel my pain.
I came from a smaller area where my biggest son didn’t need me to drive to school each morning because he could ride there, and even if I did drive there was pretty much no real traffic.
I never had to fear for my cars limited life while I lived there.
But now, I have to drive my son to school and the smaller one to kindy each day, school and kindy are not in the same place which means….morning traffic twice. Oh yuck.

People driving scares the shit out of me and I am convinced that when I leave the house on any given day is the day someone hits my car. Then I’ll be left stranded, with a banged up car and 3 crying children because someone needed to get someplace that little bit sooner.

The thing is that people seem to forget how to be decent people once they get behind the wheel of a car (which prompted this delightful blog.) People turn into these righteous crazies that make you look at them with the squinty emoji face through the window. Because people drive like they are so much more important than the next person, like their time is worth more than mine, more important than ours, more important than being a decent human.
I know I am pretty much talking about every human in the world that drives a car and probably offending a billion people at the same time, but like a billion people would ever read this?

I am no perfect driver, just ask Batman, but I am aware and try to treat people with respect that I would like when I drive. I act like a decent human being, sometimes I will say something like “Are you fucking serious???” Or  “” when it’s warranted but I will not abuse fellow drivers visibly.
Unless you are driving to a hospital to see someone before they die, or if your wife is birthing your spawn in the seat next to you and there’s blood and shit (possibly actual shit) all over the place, then just calm the fuck down.

These here rules should be applied each and every time you leave the house in your car: ready….GO.
(Disclaimer: you is we, we is you and us is us, me, you is we, this is not a personal attack…. or is it?)

  1. People do not need a little cheeky beep at the lights if they didn’t take off the instant the light went green.
    Patience dick-ed’s. Your time is of the same importance as everyone else’s, remember?

  2. People actually are fully aware when they have gone down a side lane and the back end of the car is hanging out, I don’t need an extended honk to remind me how scarily close you are to the back of my car…
    Go the fuck around, or wait like a normal person.

  3. The kiss and drop zone at school is a kiss and drop zone, the allocated sign does not say ‘stop your car here love, put your kids bag on and chat to the other mums zone’ –
    Just Kiss and mother fucking drop people.

  4. If the speed limit is 60, I will drive 60 because it’s safe, because that is actually the law, but mainly because I hate paying fines.
    Get out of my B hole. A hole.

  5. Did you know school zones are for driving slowly, stop knocking people’s kids down. It kills them. It’s not fun to hit kids with cars.
    Drive slowly, kids don’t actually bounce.

  6. Let people in when you can, if it doesn’t compromise your position too much, don’t pretend you can’t see me, I know you can and no amount of nose wiping and forehead scratching means you didn’t see me waiting there for a billion hours.
    Let us in, it’s good driving Karma. Karma is real and it’s coming to get you.

  7. Stop beeping at the L platers. So mean guys, so mean.
    They are learning, just like you did. (This is mainly directed to the crazy old lady I let in the other week who then promptly beeped a L plater for taking to long to take off at the lights.)

  8. If I did something annoying while driving, it was a mistake, and I am sorry, I am probably apologising but you can’t see that past your raging bird flipping finger, I usually did not do it to fuck with you. I promise.
    Maybe, I did though because maybe you were being a dick face? (See, #4)

  9. If at any time you honk me, or give me the finger because I didn’t see you, or you didn’t see me and I surprised you by being there doing my driving over in my own lane, keep in mind that if we were walking at the shops that you wouldn’t call me a fuckhead or give me the finger and be an A hole to my face… because I walked in front of you, or walked too slowly.
    Your car does not make you invincible, we can see you and it makes people sad when people be mean to other people despite the fact we may never see you again. But if we do, we will forever know you as the A hole that gave us the finger for making a mistake.

  10. Finally please remember, we are all humans and we all make mistakes. Your car is your responsibility and can hurt people, other cars, peoples souls and bank accounts and so can you.
    It is also your responsibility to be a decent human being.
    Lay off the mother fucking horns.
    The only day that you’re ruining by acting like someone just severed your legs is actually just your own. You have no idea what the person in the other car might be dealing with on that particular day. Maybe they have a family member that’s been diagnosed with cancer, the had a break up with a true love, they could be suffering an anxiety attack about the traffic or have had any kind of huge drama break their heart a little bit, and maybe they cut you off but you will survive.

    Be a human. Not a robot.


3 thoughts

  1. 3a. If your kid takes too long to get moving, and you exceed the allotted “stop” time, you will no longer be permitted to come to an actual STOP, and your kids will need to master the “tuck and roll” exit in order to emerge uninjured.

    With #1 I give them a good 5 seconds before I beep…just in case they’re in the middle of a round of Candy Crush.

    And finally – if people flip you off? Smile sweetly and blow them a kiss. THEY EFFING HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE THAT. heh.

    Liked by 1 person

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