We are currently coming out of the back end of a darkness patch, they sneak up on us every so often and then engulf us wholeheartedly in the shittiness that is depression, anxiety and PTSD….Blah blah blah.
We don’t realise its here until it’s been….. oh about two whole months that we’re even in that place again. It’s a sneaky, sneaky darkness.
It usually starts with a conversation like this:
Us: “I don’t know what’s going on with me, Batman”
“You’re depressed again, that’s ok. Give yourself time to heal, it’s going to take time” Batman replies.
And we sit there in our pajamas, with tear streaked glasses and I say through angry sobs:
“I don’t want to be sad anymore” knowing full well that I have no choice in the matter.
Depression isn’t a choice Neeks, you need to learn this.
We battle with ourselves about it, we fight with it constantly and beg it to go away, we cry every day, we hate every day, it’s just what we need to do Neeks.
We will bask in the fleeting lightness that is so earnestly trying to shine through the cracks in the depression, momentarily letting us forget we are sad all the time, but eventually the crushing darkness seeps in and takes over.
It’s just part of it Neeks.
During this darkness, we cry a lot. A handful of times we will cry so hard from the hurt that we often genuinely feel like death would be a welcomed place, that the hurt wouldn’t be so bad there. It’s not that we want to die, Neeks, we don’t, and we never would (well one day we will when we’re like 98) but it’s just that in that moment with all the pent up anger and the pain inside our body, while the sobs take us over, that makes us feel like that, just for a moment.
Don’t fear this Neeks, this is what happens, you’re not going to lose it.
During this darkness we are insatiably furious with ourselves for not stopping him when it began. We are raging inside with hate fueled fire at the idea that he did this but gets to live his life with his children and grandchildren with no care or consequence of the pain he’s caused. Disappointed and disgusted in the laws that even allowed this, and continue to allow it.
But Neeks we were five years old, we don’t know what he said or did to stop us from telling, he shouldn’t have done that to us in the first place and we really can’t hold ourselves responsible for all those years. We know this.
During this darkness we don’t sleep very well, we become fearful that he will find us, like he always did, that he will find our little girl and that he will abuse her too. We fear we will wake to him standing next to our bed while our husband sleeps beside us.
We fear that he will always be there, because in our mind he always is.
We experience paranoia, it’s kinda normal Neeks, he isn’t coming. He can’t find us.
During this darkness we lose all motivation, we don’t eat properly or at all for days or for weeks and we will often hide the fact that we didn’t eat that day from family and friends, not because we think we’re fat but because the anxiety is literally eating us up inside.
We do it because it’s something we can control.
We can’t do that anymore Neeks, it makes it worse.
During this darkness we feel like we have nothing to look forward to, the impending sense of doom is so strong that not even our children’s happy adorable faces can bring us to adore them the way a mother should, no amount of chocolate or friend hangs can fix us, nothing.
There is just nothing in this time that fixes us, because we are not broken, just a little squashed, and that is actually okay, Neeks.
During this darkness we stay busy, pedantic and pacing the house with nothing to do yet everything to do at the same time, we exhaust ourselves, and our own mind by staying in a constant state of alertness. We procrastinate because if we stop we will be forced to deal with our issues.
Slow down, Neeks. It’s not good for us.
During this darkness even our ability to be intimate with my our own husband is clouded, because at least, once, twice, three times when we close our eyes we are back there for brief moments and we are numbed, a shell of a body for a moment until it fades and we can be present again.
It’s okay for this to happen Neeks, we don’t need to beat ourselves up over this.
During this darkness we will have one day where we might be over the top happy and excitable, our chest will hurt, we will feel panicked and we will feel crazy.
It’s okay, it only lasts a day.
Do your wall pushing exercise and calm the fuck down. Because we know how calm people get when we tell them to calm the fuck down.
During this darkness we can not see the light.
But light does come, at the end of that darkness and we always take what we needed from it to be smarter and stronger and more aware of ourselves than we were before the darkness came. There is always more to learn about ourselves, whether it be about our own issues, other people, our dark places, our acceptance of something bad, or even if it’s just an opportunity to be a little bit better when we come out the darkness and back into the light.
With light comes dark, with darkness comes lightness or something smart like that, see…. we’re learning.
So next time we go to this dark place remember:
Depression is not a choice, it doesn’t just go away and there is nothing wrong with you.
Let yourself grieve, let yourself cry, let yourself be sad, angry and confused about who and what you are. Allow the days to float on by and survive through them with a sad face if you need to, flow through the misery, because at the end of that dark tunnel I promise, you’ll be a better person than the person you went in as in the first place.
Lots of love and lightness