Dear self,

We are currently coming out of the back end of a darkness patch, they sneak up on us every so often and then engulf us wholeheartedly in the shittiness that is depression, anxiety and PTSD….Blah blah blah.

We don’t realise its here until it’s been….. oh about two whole months that we’re even in that place again. It’s a sneaky, sneaky darkness.
It usually starts with a conversation like this:

Us: “I don’t know what’s going on with me, Batman” 
“You’re depressed again, that’s ok. Give yourself time to heal, it’s going to take time” Batman replies.
And we sit there in our pajamas, with tear streaked glasses and I say through angry sobs:
“I don’t want to be sad anymore” knowing full well that I have no choice in the matter.

Depression isn’t a choice Neeks, you need to learn this.

We battle with ourselves about it, we fight with it constantly and beg it to go away, we cry every day, we hate every day, it’s just what we need to do Neeks.

We will bask in the fleeting lightness that is so earnestly trying to shine through the cracks in the depression, momentarily letting us forget we are sad all the time, but eventually the crushing darkness seeps in and takes over.

It’s just part of it Neeks.

During this darkness, we cry a lot. A handful of times we will cry so hard from the hurt that we often genuinely feel like death would be a welcomed place, that the hurt wouldn’t be so bad there. It’s not that we want to die, Neeks, we don’t, and we never would (well one day we will when we’re like 98)  but it’s just that in that moment with all the pent up anger and the pain inside our body, while the sobs take us over, that makes us feel like that, just for a moment.
Don’t fear this Neeks, this is what happens, you’re not going to lose it.

During this darkness we are insatiably furious with ourselves for not stopping him when it began. We are raging inside with hate fueled fire at the idea that he did this but gets to live his life with his children and grandchildren with no care or consequence of the pain he’s caused.  Disappointed and disgusted in the laws that even allowed this, and continue to allow it.
But Neeks we were five years old, we don’t know what he said or did to stop us from telling, he shouldn’t have done that to us in the first place and we really can’t hold ourselves responsible for all those years. We know this.

During this darkness we don’t sleep very well, we become fearful that he will find us, like he always did, that he will find our little girl and that he will abuse her too. We fear we will wake to him standing next to our bed while our husband sleeps beside us.
We fear that he will always be there, because in our mind he always is.
We experience paranoia, it’s kinda normal Neeks, he isn’t coming. He can’t find us.

During this darkness we lose all motivation, we don’t eat properly or at all for days or for weeks and we will often hide the fact that we didn’t eat that day from family and friends, not because we think we’re fat but because the anxiety is literally eating us up inside.
We do it because it’s something we can control.
We can’t do that anymore Neeks, it makes it worse.

During this darkness we feel like we have nothing to look forward to, the impending sense of doom is so strong that not even our children’s happy adorable faces can bring us to adore them the way a mother should, no amount of chocolate or friend hangs can fix us, nothing.
There is just nothing in this time that fixes us, because we are not broken, just a little squashed, and that is actually okay, Neeks.

During this darkness we stay busy, pedantic and pacing the house with nothing to do yet everything to do at the same time, we exhaust ourselves, and our own mind by staying in a constant state of alertness.  We procrastinate because if we stop we will be forced to deal with our issues.
Slow down, Neeks. It’s not good for us. 

During this darkness even our ability to be intimate with my our own husband is clouded, because at least, once, twice, three times when we close our eyes we are back there for brief moments and we are numbed, a shell of a body for a moment until it fades and we can be present again.
It’s okay for this to happen Neeks, we don’t need to beat ourselves up over this.

During this darkness we will have one day where we might be over the top happy and excitable, our chest will hurt, we will feel panicked and we will feel crazy.
It’s okay, it only lasts a day.
Do your wall pushing exercise and calm the fuck down. Because we know how calm people get when we tell them to calm the fuck down.

During this darkness we can not see the light.

But light does come, at the end of that darkness and we always take what we needed from it to be smarter and stronger and more aware of ourselves than we were before the darkness came. There is always more to learn about ourselves, whether it be about our own issues, other people, our dark places, our acceptance of something bad, or even if it’s just an opportunity to be a little bit better when we come out the darkness and back into the light.

With light comes dark, with darkness comes lightness or something smart like that, see…. we’re learning.

So next time we go to this dark place remember:

Depression is not a choice, it doesn’t just go away and there is nothing wrong with you.

Let yourself grieve, let yourself cry, let yourself be sad, angry and confused about who and what you are. Allow the days to float on by and survive through them with a sad face if you need to, flow through the misery, because at the end of that dark tunnel I promise, you’ll be a better person than the person you went in as in the first place.

Lots of love and lightness
-Neeks

32 thoughts

  1. How perfect would it be if we could just not be depressed! I often get scared that I am addicted to feeling this way but then straight away I know that I hate it so much that I know that I won’t ever enjoy being depressed. I do get scared that I won’t remember what being happy feels like though. I hope it passes soon for you xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Once again, it’s like you have crawled inside my bruised heart and spoken for me. I’ve been meaning to finally write you after reading through your entire blog over the last few weeks. Thank you for making me not feel like a freak.

    I’ve been in this same dark place again recently too as my counselor and I try to listen to younger (15-17) me. I have kept her silent and locked away for a long time because when I do crack the door and let her peek out, the pain, grief, loss, anger and hatred threatens to drown me. Just this weekend, that black hole of utter sadness at what He did and what’s been lost came rearing its ugly head. Really, when does this ever end? I get so angry at the tears because I know He isn’t mourning lost childhood, dealing with flashbacks or spending thousands on therapy. I think that’s the worst cruelty of sexual abuse…we were hurt then and they get to walk away as we clean up the mess for years and years.

    The good days do come again and I have to hold onto the pure hope I have that one day I will eventually be free of this, and so will you. Thanks again for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Woah all in a few weeks! Good effort! Haha!
      You put this so well “when I do crack the door and let her peek out, the pain, grief, loss, anger and hatred threatens to drown me”
      That’s me, exactly.
      It’s incredibly frustrating to be constantly battling with depression, anxiety etc and not have an end, and the. Even when you think “oh I’ve been good” it comes and smashes you back down. It’s so constant with ups and downs. And yes that is all the worst part of the abuse.

      Thanks so much for reading and sharing.
      If you are on Facebook pop over to my adjust remembered page and feel free to chat with me there 🙂

      Like

  3. This is such a great post and so well written. I was in an abusive relationship in my twenties and I feel like this perfectly articulates everything. Thank you so much for writing it.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Do you ever find putting your inside self outside is like picking a scab off a sore? I’m so touched that you shared your inside self! Thank you. Depression is a horrible, horrible thing because people can’t see it and when they hear you have it think if you just take a pill it’s fixed, like diabetes. Look after yourself, I bet you have an amazing husband. And know that there are many people in the world that think just like you in the dark hours of the night.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This resonates so much. Just yesterday I sat in the car and cried my eyes out after a coaching course I just completed. I was elated and very happy that I managed to do it and am now qualified but at the same time I was utterly exhausted (1 day after) from the anxiety and Ptsd that made it 10 times harder to focus..I was telling my husband “I wish I knew what it would be like to not always have to struggle through everything” ..I wish I knew what it would be like to ” be able to focus most of the time” “but I will never know, because I was a helpless young child when the abuse happened and my brain was affected from the trauma”..Thank you for sharing and know you are not alone in these awfully dark moments of exhaustion, frustration and grieving..<3

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw. Youuuuuu. ☺️
      Thanks for this.
      I say all the exact things, I try to imagine what it would be like to only have small things to be worrying about or dealing with.
      Imagine if the biggest thing we had to worry about was that we hated our jobs.
      But then I guess it would be all you knew so it would be hard? Does that make sense?

      Congratulations on finishing your course by the way! So good! Are you so relieved.

      If you ever wanna chat please do by messaging me over on my Facebook page. 😍

      Like

      1. It makes complete sense..every worry is valid for everyone who has it, but I guess it would be preferable to ONLY have smaller worries like those, than worrying how you are going to get through a day or week due to anxiety symptoms or being triggered! Wouldn’t that be lovelyjovely? Xx

        Liked by 1 person

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