This morning I opened my facebook and read the letter that the victim of the infamous Brock Allen Turner wrote. Her letter was undeniably powerful. It contained so much power from her pain and bravery, and it showed. She showed strength in her pain.
It was exactly the things sexual assault survivors want to say in exactly the ways we want to say it.
I got to the end and I found myself feeling incredibly proud of her. As I should be.
As we all should be.
But I was also angry and I was ridden with guilt. And not for the reasons I was expecting. Yes, of course I was furious about the whole situation.
But I was angry and I felt guilty because I will never be able to read a letter like that in a court. I was furious that my abuser will never stand across from me in court, that I will never be able to stand across from him and look him with fierce bravery in the eye and watch him squirm in discomfort at his verdict, I will never have that justice, so many of us will never get that day.
And the hardest part about her case and mine is that I can remember my abuse. I remember a 10 whole times that I was sexually abused by a man years older than me. I know the ages I was at the time of those incidents, the homes I lived in, the bedrooms I slept in that he visited night after night. And that’s just the ones I have clear memories of.

Don’t even get me started on the gritty flashbacks of the molestations that took place, the ones that come up as time goes by. Man, I might not if have even reached the surface of what he did to my young body.  I don’t even know if I was raped, maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t and honestly if I was, I don’t want to know.
I do know he groomed and molested me, manipulated me and has torn my world apart.

“You and me. You are the cause, I am the effect. You have dragged me through this hell with you, dipped me back into that night again and again. You knocked down both our towers”
-Turners victim

So part of me feels bad, because in the back of my mind I think “At least you got your day in court”. I thought that throughout reading her letter.
How incredibly selfish of me, but who could blame me, who could blame the thousands of us that could all have tried to get that justice and the system failed them. Thats me, thats someones wife, mother, daughter, lover, that our system is failing. 

The system isn’t protecting me, but is protecting them.

But I also know, her letter was written by her for all of us and I have to allow that to be enough for me.
So I thank her with my whole heart for speaking so loudly and clearly for me, for women and children everywhere.
And I beg her to please forgive my selfishness.
I know her pain, I feel it, I’ve lived it every day for 18 years and I am incredibly grateful that she, unlike me; could speak up for all of us.

9 thoughts

  1. You are so not selfish you are so far from it. I am so angry at the system that will not protect you, that will not let you have your day in court, to read your victim impact statement. I wish it was different for you, I want it to be different.
    You are so incredible never forget that!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It is a betrayal honey. It isn’t fair, it is so wrong and I can’t get my head around it at all. You are truly wonderful. Your courage and strength should not be underestimated. One day somehow we will get justice for you and everyone that can’t get their day in court, I don’t know how but we will. Sending you so much love xoxo

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  2. Like you I will never get the opportunity to face my abuser, however I did sit before the royal commission and I also faced the particular catholic domination, parish priests and head vicar , lawyers, etc and I can tell you, I wouldn’t have done it, had I known the trauma it created – it left me utterly raw and unbelievaly stripped bare- it’s a little indescribable actually – I’m not dismissing your integral rights but I hope you find peace in the knowledge that sometimes confrontation creates more trauma for ourselves – we have lived the most horrific childhoods, we deserve the live the most joyous future – it’s fucking hard though, but I refuse to give up on my self – with much respect 💕

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    1. Oh absolutely. I consider this too. It’s almost you want what you don’t have kinda thing. I imagine the whole Process would be just as traumatic.
      And then for what? It doesn’t take it back. I guess that’s what I have to tell myself.
      But thinking that he sits around sponging off his elderly mother all care free and free, infuriates me.

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    2. Also. I am so sorry it was so traumatic for you. 😕 I imagine most of the victims would say the same thing as you. About it being traumatic? Did you meet with any etc?

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      1. Thank you, I’m sorry for you as well – but you know what, I never think of him or of my daughters abuser( yeah I know multigenerational abuse- go figure – he went to jail though) I just don’t or can’t let my mind go there. I Have felt rage towards my parents, but if there was anything positive about the experience its that It gave me more understanding for them and I realise they were apart of the deceit as well, and going through their own issues- I’ve kept it a secret from them to this day and they still have a picture up of him on the wall – I know wtf, but I have to way up whether revealing the truth to them is going to do more Damage than good, I’m still in haitus about it. I want you to know that your abuser will have what’s coming to him, maybe not now, but he will, let karma deal with it, and allow urself the freedom of a peaceful mind and joy in your heart – you’re a courageous being -it’s not fair that sexual sbuse leaves us mentally tortured and tormented – I choose peace man x

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