I spent hours listening to music on a night that seemed to be filled with so much pain. I needed the lyrics to fill my hurting heart with a song of redemption. I am struggling these days. Needing to believe in something that seems so far away, but it is me that is distant.
I find myself lost in the many hurts that my journey in life has stumbled on, I find myself crying tears in my room all alone and where there was once hope, I see nothing. These days have been trapped in darkness. The beauty I once saw in things is very dim. I want answers for every wrong that’s ever happened. I want control over things I never had control over. I want to see things in a different light but I’m blinded by my own shame. I see so many things when I look at myself.
The lyrics to the song in my head are far from something beautiful, I hear words like damaged, unloved, ashamed, dirty, broken, abused, failure; my list could go on but the melody stays the same.
I’m hurting more than I ever did before. The pain that was hidden behind all these closed doors, something happened and it can’t be contained anymore. The doors are crumbling before me and I feel entirely exposed. I keep trying to close them, and keep them locked away but the harder I try the more it fails.
I believed for so long that doors needed to be shut. I put things away and sealed them up tight. Then one day everything changed.
One event, a chance encounter, that day I changed.
I lost myself. The doors couldn’t hold anymore and now I’m left drowning in a sea of pain that was once securely locked away.
I want an answer for every question. I cannot seem to grasp that sometimes there isn’t an answer. I need an answer. I need to know why, I walk blindly throughout my day, hoping to survive and function in a way that doesn’t draw any unneeded attention.
I smile and pretend until I can get back to the safety of my own room so I can be consumed by the tears that have followed me all day.
I hide behind my work even though most days I battle simply to get out of bed.
Would it make a difference if there was an answer or an explanation?
I think sometimes I want to believe I had control over certain things because then maybe it doesn’t seem so bad.
It’s still bad.
It always will be.