I have depression. I am not depression.
I can be depressed for long periods of time and I can be happy for long periods of time too.
I have depression. But I am absolutely not depression even if sometimes it feels that way, even if sometimes it feels like it will succeed in crushing every corner of my mind.
The dark periods can last months with little break in-between which in turn consumes us with guilt for the burden we feel we place on our family and friends for being that person. We resent ourselves for having depression in the first place, we get sick of hearing ourselves having to reply to peoples “How are you going’s?” with “I’m not good today” while we worry that who ever asked us is thinking ‘I don’t even care anymore, I’m sick of hearing how sad you are’ even if they’re not thinking that at all.

When I am in the real depths of it, I’m crying every day, everything is hard, eating is hard, thinking is hard, working is exhausting, parenting is the hardest.
Each and every time I have the thought that “I need this to stop”, I’m scared because I worry that this will be the day I snap and I won’t even know it.
And that will be the end of me.
As well as the dark days though, there are light days too, and at the moment I am on a roll on the light days. I’m not kidding myself though, I know it probably won’t last and some people might see that as a negative way to think, but its not, its just me being honest about it all. I am done with being disappointed in my self when the dark has come back  when I thought I was magically better, so it would be ignorant of me to assume that all my dark days are done.They’re not, and thats okay.
I know in my heart that I still have a lot of work to stagger through, and I know that I am far from done in finding myself. Most of us are.
I am far from accessing the parts of me I need to access to heal and while that is incredibly daunting, its a little bit exciting. I can only grow from here.

Light days like this help me feel incredibly reflective on my situation as a whole, it gives me a chance to see patterns and signs that I may have missed when a dark time has come because when I’m already there there is no room for reflection on myself, there is no insight in to what is going on or why I’ve dived into it because all I can see is tears, darkness and a fog that just lingers around my head.
I can only see clearly when I am not there.
When I am in the dark place, I often feel like it is all my fault, that I am doing this to my self, that I like being in that place. But when I’m in the light days (sounds like I’m talking about a period)but , when I finally come out I can see that I don’t like being there, that its not my fault.
I can see and understand that no one would want to be there by choice. I can’t ever imagine wanting to do that to myself, because it hurts too much to be there.
No one choses to be there, not even me, not even when I think I do.
When I have been feeling as good as I have been over the last week or so, I can truely reflect on how my depression affects me at different times and how much I have no control over it, or myself at that time. I can see that no matter how much I want to try and help myself at that time that some times I can’t, because at that point I am exactly where I need to be, regardless of how shit that feels.

Part of having depression and learning to heal is also learning to trust the process.
I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the idea that, this depression I go into is part of my journey, and while mostly I absolutely hate it, each time I come out I’ve learnt a little bit. Each time, a little bit. One step closer to feeling healed.
I am also no fool, I know I will never be free of my issues, but I will learn to cope with them in better ways.
But one thing we can all try and do perhaps is to try and learn from it, learn from the pain, think and feel the process, know the signs, know your triggers, be aware of your feelings when you know that dark is coming so that next time it doesn’t come as such a shock next time..
I know in my heart that the pain will slowly fade if you want to do the work.
You have to do the work, and even after doing that work you might never feel fixed.
I don’t believe that anyone with childhood trauma can be fixed.
We can heal, we can put bandaids over the wounds that in time come off, but the wound won’t be so big or sore and you’ll be happier or even a little content for having trusted in yourself.

Theres going to be good days, and theres going to be bad days.

Trust in yourself, trust in the process.

20 thoughts

  1. Great post! You make a very poignant point about how we learn something new about ourselves every time we snap out of a depressive episode. I hope that one day I can learn how to manage it in such a way that it will make me a more resilient and determined person. I think it has already to extent, but considering my age I still (should) have a long way to go.

    Thanks for sharing this! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for popping by.
      We do, and while the lesson might not always be big or very noticeable, we do learn. I know I do, and if I didn’t i’d never move forward in my thinking.
      I agree, you probably already have learnt so much over time, and we always will be, I don’t imagine that my depression will ever be ‘gone’ but I’ll learn to manage it over time. Its not impossible. And it won’t be easy. But we got this 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear you on much of what you said. Like so much of abuse and depression, unless you’ve been in it it’s difficult to really “get” it. My own mom has said numerous times, “You have to pray away the demon of depression.” Because I asked for it? (Side note that I recently called her out on this) Who in their right mind would choose to sit in a totally dark black hole for days, potentially weeks, on end reliving the soul-numbing agony of His abuse? I did realize while reading this that my dark days do come less frequently now and don’t last as long. And when they do come, I can tell myself it will go away. Keep pushing back the dark!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think part of it is the ability to know in yourself that they will go away, sometimes if you don’t realise that you’re not always sad then you can’t realise that you won’t always be like that. If that makes sense.
      GAH! It pains me every time I hear someone say something like your mum said. Like JUST NO!

      Like

  3. The hard thing about the process is that often it feels like it gets worse before it gets better….because we’re actually dealing with the pain vs. stuffing it back. But that’s the only way to MAKE it better. It’s like viral dieoff….flares up before it goes away….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes! It gets horrible. So very horrible. I never knew how horrible it could get. But You know, Im at this happy place the last 3 weeks and Im kind of thankful for it. Which is weird. I feel like I get it now. Kinda.
      Yes haha It is. Like a flu. It devours you and makes you couch ridden and then day by day you get better and better.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I often get overwhelmed by this process. It’s hard. I don’t know how to manage it and I often feel guilty that I’m so overwhelmed. Like I’m over dramatizing my life. But that was what I was told when I fought back as a child, and even now as an adult sometimes. I loved how you said you can only go up from here. You are right. Sometimes things can only get better and there lies hope for healing. Thank you for sharing. This was encouraging.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I used to get so overwhelmed alllll the time. The idea of maintaining life at the same time as being depressed and anxious, with the flashbacks and everything. I couldn’t keep up. It made it worse.
      I felt the same, that I was being dramatic, but what happened to us was real and it’s a bad bad thing to happen, no we didn’t die, but I makes us wish sometimes we did. It is dramatic. It’s huge. When people hear of others being abused they are appalled but they rarely want to deal with the rest, the confusion, the sadness, the identity issues, they think it’s just us being dramatic when to us, it’s dramatic in our lives.

      If you do the work, the inner talks, the therapy and self care, the only way is up.
      I hope it helped you.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. This is so true Neeks! I was only thinking today how there is a big difference between being depressed and having depression. I liken it to having asthma and having an asthma attack. I have depression it is something that I live with everyday but within this everyday state I can still see good and bad. But sometimes there are periods of time that I also spend being depressed when life is just too much and just so sad and painful that I wonder if I can keep going.
    Take care beautiful. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel like I’m defined by my depression and anxiety right now, that I am barely functioning, so honestly, thank you so much for writing this.

    I’m so grateful I found your blog today. You are amazing and so strong.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi bonnie.
      Do you know, I was just thinking about how I felt like that a lot when I was in the depths of it.
      It’s once I did a lot of reading and learning about depression in others and in myself that I was able to see it clearer.
      And thank you so much for reading. I hope you’re okay.
      If you wanna chat at all ever pop over to my Adjust Remembered Facebook page and send me a message 🙂

      Like

      1. I just went and liked!

        I’ve just taken Thursdays off of work, hopefully to “work out my shit”. I think I’ll add reading about it to my new day off.

        Thank you. Especially for being amazing (y)

        Liked by 2 people

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