I have depression. I am not depression.
I can be depressed for long periods of time and I can be happy for long periods of time too.
I have depression. But I am absolutely not depression even if sometimes it feels that way, even if sometimes it feels like it will succeed in crushing every corner of my mind.
The dark periods can last months with little break in-between which in turn consumes us with guilt for the burden we feel we place on our family and friends for being that person. We resent ourselves for having depression in the first place, we get sick of hearing ourselves having to reply to peoples “How are you going’s?” with “I’m not good today” while we worry that who ever asked us is thinking ‘I don’t even care anymore, I’m sick of hearing how sad you are’ even if they’re not thinking that at all.
When I am in the real depths of it, I’m crying every day, everything is hard, eating is hard, thinking is hard, working is exhausting, parenting is the hardest.
Each and every time I have the thought that “I need this to stop”, I’m scared because I worry that this will be the day I snap and I won’t even know it.
And that will be the end of me.
As well as the dark days though, there are light days too, and at the moment I am on a roll on the light days. I’m not kidding myself though, I know it probably won’t last and some people might see that as a negative way to think, but its not, its just me being honest about it all. I am done with being disappointed in my self when the dark has come back when I thought I was magically better, so it would be ignorant of me to assume that all my dark days are done.They’re not, and thats okay.
I know in my heart that I still have a lot of work to stagger through, and I know that I am far from done in finding myself. Most of us are.
I am far from accessing the parts of me I need to access to heal and while that is incredibly daunting, its a little bit exciting. I can only grow from here.
Light days like this help me feel incredibly reflective on my situation as a whole, it gives me a chance to see patterns and signs that I may have missed when a dark time has come because when I’m already there there is no room for reflection on myself, there is no insight in to what is going on or why I’ve dived into it because all I can see is tears, darkness and a fog that just lingers around my head.
I can only see clearly when I am not there.
When I am in the dark place, I often feel like it is all my fault, that I am doing this to my self, that I like being in that place. But when I’m in the light days (sounds like I’m talking about a period)but , when I finally come out I can see that I don’t like being there, that its not my fault.
I can see and understand that no one would want to be there by choice. I can’t ever imagine wanting to do that to myself, because it hurts too much to be there.
No one choses to be there, not even me, not even when I think I do.
When I have been feeling as good as I have been over the last week or so, I can truely reflect on how my depression affects me at different times and how much I have no control over it, or myself at that time. I can see that no matter how much I want to try and help myself at that time that some times I can’t, because at that point I am exactly where I need to be, regardless of how shit that feels.
Part of having depression and learning to heal is also learning to trust the process.
I am slowly but surely coming to terms with the idea that, this depression I go into is part of my journey, and while mostly I absolutely hate it, each time I come out I’ve learnt a little bit. Each time, a little bit. One step closer to feeling healed.
I am also no fool, I know I will never be free of my issues, but I will learn to cope with them in better ways.
But one thing we can all try and do perhaps is to try and learn from it, learn from the pain, think and feel the process, know the signs, know your triggers, be aware of your feelings when you know that dark is coming so that next time it doesn’t come as such a shock next time..
I know in my heart that the pain will slowly fade if you want to do the work.
You have to do the work, and even after doing that work you might never feel fixed.
I don’t believe that anyone with childhood trauma can be fixed.
We can heal, we can put bandaids over the wounds that in time come off, but the wound won’t be so big or sore and you’ll be happier or even a little content for having trusted in yourself.
Theres going to be good days, and theres going to be bad days.
Trust in yourself, trust in the process.