Your touch, it winds inside me, the winding ceases only when you finally move away from me, when you cease to rest your small innocent body on mine.

Your small and sticky hands on my face, on my mouth, on my cheeks, sparks deep and boiling rage so I bark at you, “please get out of my face”.

All you want is to be with me.

My relief when you back away is always surprising me, guilting me, stabbing me in the back.

Your touch is uninvited and it leaves me on tender ground.

My need to be away, to run and hide is dividing my heart because I am your mother, I love you, I have as much need to be with you as you with me.

But your touch is unnerving, and so I wind, closer and closer to breaking but you are a child, my child and can’t understand that with each touch you are playing with fire.

My fire.

But you can not know how it makes me feel, and you don’t have to.

And so it winds.

My body pains for escape, it panics as I see your little hands seeking me out.
My body, it begs for relief, it needs to hide, but it is still not your fault, because I am your mother.

I check out, I check out some days and I crush myself by knowing it, knowing how that feels because I too felt it once.

I crush myself with guilt. With regret, because I don’t know how to escape the feeling, how to stop the winding. Regret because I fear I am damaging you, and if I do that, I can’t take it back.

It still winds inside even after I know how my pushing you away makes you feel.

I can see it in your eyes, I am dimming your light each time, each day I say “please just get away from me, please just get off me, please just leave me alone”.

But your constant touch when I am in the darker place reminds me of every time I lie there as a girl, cuddled up to the cold wall, resisting, and twisting away from his touch.
How I lied there because I have again given up fighting him, my mind disappearing at the touch of someone who only wanted to hurt me.

A time where I didn’t know I could say…….. “no”.

And saying no to you now, years later to someone who loves me so much, makes me hurt because you do not want to hurt me, you want nothing but to love and to receive love from me, yet even your uninvited touch reminds me of nothing that it should.

Your uninvited touch, winds me.

And lately I am wound almost too far.

Yet there you sit, forcefully grabbing, nudging and poking at my body, a body that has already been wound more than it should have been.

A body that has had enough.

But I can’t tell you this, you wouldn’t understand and I could never expect you to.

So I sit wound, just sitting through this daily wind, waiting for my insides to finally snap.

And I am so sorry.

*Image is not mine, image found Via This Article on how childhood sexual abuse affects brain function.

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14 thoughts

  1. I commend you for bringing up this subject, how childhood sexual abuse affects a person later in life in regards to touch from others whether kids, spouses, or friends. Those are the ones who we might find comfort from when touched yet that is stolen too—safe touch.
    Or with me, wires were crossed at an early age when Chet’s attacks continued for a few years with no one bothering to intervene and protect me. Sometimes his touching caused a sensual response that made me feel guilty and to blame, as if I liked it. Well my body liked some of. Bodies are made to. But what that did is mess up the natural process where sensual touch begins with a first kiss at say, 13 or older. Not with a brother I had felt brotherly love for. When he sexualized my body at too early an age for my emotional development and with a relationship that was supposed to be neutral in terms of sex, wires became crossed.
    When hugging my boys I’d feel an arousal because I loved them as I had loved Chet. I knew it shouldn’t be there. I was able to tell my psychiatrist and he said just allow the feeling it will pass. It did. But I hated that it happened and hate what Chet did to cause it. So much is stolen.
    I believe your child knows you love him. He does not need to be all over you all the time. You both can have what you need with compromise. He will learn respect for others and their personal space.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, yeah I can see why that was hard for you. Yes, wires do get crossed, Mine too were confused, especially when I seeked sexual attention instead of the regular kind.

      So much is stolen, i’m sorry yours is still stolen. I hope you’re going well ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I am doing well, thank you. I was hesitant to share so much but I feel it is important because the way my body responded was not my doing. I hated what was being done to me, yet my body responded to some of it because bodies are made to do so. So it felt like my own body betrayed me too. It is no wonder that I have a hard time being in my body. There are so many reasons not to be in it. But I am coming ‘home’ slowly… : )
        Thank you for commenting. It is not always easy to put oneself ‘out’ there…

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I know, exactly how that feels. My body did the same thing once I started to get older, and the shame I felt was huge. I too felt ashamed and thought that it meant that i liked it which meant in my head that I was in the wrong.

        Like

  2. Your second sentence, “Your small and sticky hands on my face, on my mouth, on my cheeks, sparks deep and boiling rage so I bark at you, “please get out of my face”.” resonated with me instantly. My trio hear this from me all the time, in fact they will be the first to say to people, oh yeh, getting in Mum’s face makes her instantly ragey! Sadly, they sometimes think it’s funny to push my buttons in this way, but they are getting better at respecting my boundaries as they are getting older. They also know that if all 3 of them are sitting on or all around me at the same time I go into escape/panic mode. They have no idea why I respond in this way, but they do know that it’s not about them. I just say that I’m claustrophobic, which in a roundabout way is a super simplified truth I guess! Thanks for writing this… x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. AH yes! You totally get it. Honestly all I think about when they do that is being forced to be sexually abused. It’s so plain and simple, being held down, in anyway makes me feel helpless.

      I am so glad you go it too. I felt like I was the only one who felt this rage, i imagine its how I felt inside as a child. Same for you I imagine?

      How old are your children?

      Like

      1. We’ve got this! Because it isn’t our children. It is our own body saying that at this moment it doesn’t want any hands on it. Simple as that! I have actually said, “Mommy doesn’t want to be touched right now but you can sit next to me” She also likes to hold my hand and sometimes I have to say “I can put my hand on yours but I don’t want my hand held right now” and she has always been fine with that.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thats exactly what I have started doing, and now when my daughter (4) is sitting down and doesn’t want to be touched she says the same to me, “Please don’t touch me right now mumm, its annoying me” hahahaha.

        Like

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