Hello Mr. Darkness,

My old friend.

Its been a while, but I see you’ve squirmed yourself back in and made yourself cosy. It must be that memory we’ve had on replay, you know that one you’ve been shoving down my throat for the last year? Yeah, you never let it rest, you force it upon me, again and again and now, my discoveries surrounding it has crushed me. You win? I guess.

And now, here you are and here I resentfully am.

I can feel your dark little weedy fingers slithering your way down my back, in and under my skin and down into my spine, I feel it come in around the sides of my chest slowly like the ivy that grows through my bathroom window when I’m not looking. I feel it knock the life from my chest as I drive, as I cook, as I parent my children.
I find myself taking a deep breath when you have taken it from me.
I feel your sombre fingers wind their way around my soul, engulfing the light that usually shines there, my soul is the host to you, and you take it completely. I wait for the rays of light, to break through, the way the sun breaks through the clouds over the ocean, but you penetrate me much to deeply to see those rays.
You’re always so relentless.
It’s not long, maybe hours, maybe a day till you, Mr. Darkness has completely taken over, and my heart feels the ever present pain of you.
I walk, you walk, I sleep, you sleep, I sit alone, you’re there too.
I am never without you once you have made yourself known. And I almost have to forgive you for that, because what else can I expect? To be okay? All the time?

My thoughts are cloudy, I am tired, I am tearful.
I am done with you already and I am exhausted by your constant digs, digs to get me to expel something, anything, you need me to release something, but I never know what it is because I don’t realise what it is I’m supposed to do until you are well and truely here and by then, I am a little broken and unable to see.
You cloud my judgement, you cloud my mind and you spend your days re-traumatising me until you’ve shown me what I need to see. I guess its needed?
Trauma plays by no ones rules, you come when you come, and you leave when your job here is done.
So until then, you sit there wound around my heart like a too right ribbon around a finger, winding and winding. Winding around my soul, waiting for me to change something, discover something, or learn something about myself or about my childhood, and until I do that, you won’t leave.

So here I sit, in the dark, in the light of day, watching, waiting, and wondering how bad you’ll get me this time.
How dark will these thoughts get this time. How scared will you make me?
Its only been five days, and I have had enough of you already, I don’t have time for you, I don’t have the energy for you and I certainly don’t have the heart for you.

My therapist tells me not to fight you, because pushing you down and away only makes you flare up in anger because you need to be seen and heard, because you darkness; are here to teach me something, and I know you always do, but it still hurts and what ever it is you want to teach me, never seems worth the pain at the time.
Knowing what I know of you doesn’t make this any easier, it doesn’t mean that I’ll accept your presence, and initially I’ll always fight you, at least until I tire too much to fight.
My therapist tells me to step into you, but I never remember to because I always feel like I am bigger and more powerful than you. It’s like I can’t believe I am even back here with you doing this weird awful interpretive dance in my mind, scattered, bewildered, almost graceful.

“I am stronger than this” I tell myself… which I guess is why I’m so gutted when you come, I stand and crumple in disbelief when you manage to make me feel nothing and everything all at once.

I am not stronger than you…Am I?

But what I have just realised just now, is that; darkness, you are me.

Is this why I will never escape you?
Is this why you are so big?
Is this why you are so overwhelming?
Are you just the other half of me?
Are you the opposite of my greatness, my power and my fierce will to survive?
Are you a necessary part of me and my story?
My yin and my yang. My dark and my light?

The light and the dark parts of me, are both equally as powerful as each other, yet one so much easier to accept than the other.  Must I accept that at some point? Must I accept the beauty in you?

This doesn’t mean I’m about to start liking you, it doesn’t mean I won’t try fight you when you come because you hurt me and I will always fight the hurt.
But maybe I need to hate you less?

Is it time to truely step into you?
Is it time to really become your friend?
What more damage could you do there?

Till I figure that out Mr. Dark, please be kind to me.

“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence”

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8 thoughts

  1. Hugs my dearest..It is frustrating when the darkness is back (I hear ya) but be gentle with yourself! ❤ I have also felt that nagging voice whispering 'you are not strong enough' and even so…it doesn't matter…You are allowed to feel weak, fed up, sad, exhausted etc…Trauma is gruelling and has a mind of it's own..and there are a few more layers that need to be worked through..Hold on hun. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I too have done this dance so many times. You’d think I would know the dance by heart, but I don’t, I still fight the weakness it brings when just before I was so strong and able, only to crumple (perfect word btw) under the darkness’ weight. Some how I’ve learned to embrace it until I can no longer and begin the climb upward.

    It is all truly hell and my heart goes out to you, but you can do it.

    Like

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