i was never a religious child
i had never considered a god
as I was never taught of one

i was a 90’s child
a child of an un-conventional up bringing
a child with long white-blonde hair
and a pretty face
i was always told as much
i believed i was worth as much

“Pretty”
they said
“She’ll be a model when she grows up”
“The boys will love you when you’re a teenager”
they said it as though it was
was all that mattered

i was never religious child
but one night i kneeled by my bed and i prayed
just like i saw the girls on the television do
i was eight years old and i prayed so fucking hard in the dark
in the light of the moon by my window
i felt so
powerful
it felt so
hope-filled
i prayed to a god who on tv
promised change
yet over time
it seemed to me
that he never delivered

i was never a religious child
i had never considered that life for anyone else was any different to mine
even though the nights
that he came
i still prayed

because somehow i knew
no matter how silent i was now
someone else out there must have been suffering the same and was praying for the same thing as me

i prayed for it to stop
i prayed
so that i could finally scream
the way i needed to
the way i wanted to but couldn’t

“Pretty”
they always said
“She’ll be a model when she grows up”
“The boys will love you when you’re a teenager”
they still said it as though it was
was all that mattered

i was never a religious child
i had never considered god
until i did
and somehow i kept going

but
i didn’t know
i was my own god

i was never a religious child

its just that
some of us are never taught
the truth
about being our own gods
just because we need ourselves to be
and for nothing more

we are never told as much
yet
we are worth twice as much

and sometimes i still pray
all these years later
because it is my belief in something
that got me here

 

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