I know you didn’t intend on crying so much today and you didn’t think you’d end up hiding under a blanket sobbing in the middle of the day.
I know you didn’t intend on your Monday being quite this rough.
You’ve had a insanely good few months, on the mental health front which is probably why, this, right now, feels so so dark..
You’ve done the work, you’ve done everything right. But recovery is never perfect.
You know this. You have known this for years.
You have done all you can, to ensure you got to this point.
Many people, including yourself are so proud of you, as you and they should be.
You got yourself to a point where you haven’t cried randomly in a shopping centre for months. Hooray…!?!?
Except for today.
Today you wrote to a friend “I’d rather die than to feel this desperate to escape myself”.
Today the ache in your chest is heavy.
The anger is intense but with no real way out, because you don’t know how to anger right.
The hopelessness feels like a bath that is too big and too full and you just can’t grasp at the side to pull yourself up and out of.
You’d much rather give up, but your body has this will to survive this life that you just sometimes wish it didn’t have.
As you type this tears brim and fall steadily from your eyes because you just were so used to the feeling of not wanting to die being around.
You are disappointed; in yourself, when you really shouldn’t be and you’d say the same to anyone else that feels the way you do right now.
You don’t make these thoughts or feelings happen; I know you’d also say that.
Its the intense need to escape the feelings that have overwhelmed you; that is what you want to die. But they won’t die, because they can’t; because you can’t.
But the confronting truth is that today, you thought about dying more than once before 1pm. And the even more confronting truth of that is that, when you thought about it, you thought about no-one but yourself.
That doesn’t make you selfish or a coward though.
It makes you human, a human being with depression and a past that sometimes wipes you out. And its okay because here you are, at home, writing it out, when you could have stayed lying on the couch under a blanket.
You know as well as anyone that writing about it helps and you’d tell them exactly that. Normalising this dark along side everyone else, helps everyone feel a little less fucking raw and a little less isolated.
Today you cried, walking to the cinema, in the cinema, in the toilets at the cinema, and our favourite; some crying in the food court out the front of Aldi, where everyone can see you with your bag of shopping.
This dark, it took you by surprise, because your last few months have been just SO good. You forgot that at any point the dark could come and overwhelm you.
Thats fair enough because you forget things a lot.
Its okay, YOU are still learning. YOU will always be learning.
You walked the stores aimlessly trying to find anything you could buy to make the ache you feel brewing go away, till you realised… you’re broke and you can’t have anything till pay day… typical, you think. And then remember that things really don’t make you happy or help at all.
You know this.
You walked the aisles watched strangers faces to see if you could detect the same kinds of sadness’s inside them. But you found nothing that you needed there in those faces, because they like you, are probably hiding it the same way you are.
You found yourself in the book section at Big W, resisting the urge to just collapse there, pulling book by book on top of your body, covering yourself in other peoples words to try absorb other peoples stories and fantasies to hide from this ache. But you couldn’t because… people might think you’re some kind of ‘crazy’, that maybe something was wrong with you.
And they’d be right.
But thats okay, because something is wrong with everyone.
I promise you that.
I know you didn’t intend on crying so much today. But you are.
Tomorrow might be better, it might not.
Those thoughts might be here, they might not.
But you have yourself, your friends and family to keep you here.
You can cry in the food court next to Aldi, at the cinema, on the couch, you can cry anywhere you like.
Be the girl walking the stores thinking about death or dying, if you need to be.
But come home and write about it after so you can feel a little bit better about where this dark got you in the first place.
Right here. Where you need to be.