Little neeks
This must have been when I was about 8 years old?

I’m Antanika, I was born in 1985 in Australia to a 18 year old mother who later gave me 2 brothers, one of those brothers is the child of the man who sexually abused me, who remains unsupportive and in denial of my abuse.
I was sexually abused on a regular basis by one of my step dad’s from the ages of five until I was 11 years old. I kept this a secret from most people until I was 21 years old. I at that point was not able to actually begin to heal or even comprehend what happened to me, I spent years and years blowing it off as a joke or kept it deeply close to my chest till I couldn’t anymore. Which brought me to writing. Writing, this blog has changed my life. I think of this blog as another dimension of me, an extension you could say.

A place for me to go when I can’t find the words to speak out loud. A place that has given me a voice. A brutally honest place I can word vomit.

I took this to the police, three times, I was told it would never go to court because no one saw him actually do it. Despite many people knowing, and my own family seeing him in my room, there’s ‘nothing’ they can do.

So I have to make peace with this. My abuser, the man responsible for my depression, anxiety, PTSD and horrible flashbacks gets to have a life, unpunished for the ways he couldn’t control himself around me.

I am getting there. My world has been opened up because of the things I have experienced and I could almost be thankful because if not for this, I might not/ probably wouldn’t be who I am today.

I am a mother of 3 and a wife to a musician.
I am a lioness, a fairy queen, a survivor and a warrior.
I also do not like lollies or Gravy.

I welcome you to my world with open arms as long as you can have an open mind.

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21 thoughts

  1. I’ve read through all the posts, and you are brave to put your stories and thoughts out on the big bad Interwebs. I really think you are on the right path, writing and digging up feelings that otherwise just fester in the subconscious. I myself have chronic depression, and from myself I know it sucks balls sometimes. That recurrent feeling of just saying “fuck it all – I give up”. It’s all part of the process you are discovering, and I think you are doing so very well.

    I haven’t been through an abuse like you have, so I can’t put myself in your place. Along the lines of Batman’s thoughts. But the anxiety and depression part of what you are experiencing I know.

    Last – but certainly not least. I love that through all these dark memories and the thoughts and feelings they bring to the table now, there’s humour shining through. Well in your writings anyway. Big hugs from me. Stay on the wobbly path you are on

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a wonderful comment. Thank you so much, this made my morning. Your support means a lot seriously! Its so nice to know there are other people dealing with depressive states, and this is what blogging is great for, it creates a little community for us to feel safe and human. ❀

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  2. I’m so glad you visited my blog so we could meet. Like many of us, you have a story of childhood sexual abuse. The aftermath can mess you up for life if you don’t get those stories out. I’d suffered depression for many decades before I made the decision to try blogging–to reach out to others. And now, my story has evolved into a memoir that’s coming out in a couple of months. I will never give up blogging. This is where I’ve found healing. Note, I didn’t say cure. Trust me, stick around, keep telling your stories how it’s affecting you, and you will see change. There are many of us here to support one another. I’m glad you’ll be part of this community. ~mandy ❀

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  3. Hello~ So… I found you from your husband’s cover of a Justin Timberlake song that was super badass and awesome. πŸ™‚ I went to his youtube page, found the song dedicated to you (subscribed, obviously), and here I am. I have read your posts and… wow.. your story is really wonderful… Your writing inspired me thank you for speaking out. I am 21 and this gives me so much hope…. thank you. BTW your husband’s music is divine and I know your kids are going to be awesome. πŸ™‚ Blessings from California. *sends prayer*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi πŸ™‚ Thank you so much for following the trail to here. Adjust remembered has a facebook page too if you go there youll find my page πŸ™‚
      Thank you so much for your lovely words, I love getting messages like this because it means I am on the right path. ❀

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  4. I stumbled upon your blog and I just had to stop by and say your creative writing speaks to me. The part where you describe the platform and the vine allowing her to crawl up and escape each night… Just amazing. Im part of Keep me Safe where, with the help of Erin’s law, providing education in schools about how to speak out and spot child sexual abuse here in CA. Each month I’m creating a new image based on a story of a survivor. (My cover photo using mannequins will give you an idea here: http://www.facebook.com/rootstowillowsphotography. I’d love to create that image of the platform with the vine to share and tell your story if that would be something of meaning to you. If so I’d love to hear from you rootstowillows@gmail.com

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi Antanika, I’ve found your blog through Restoring Hope. I found this quote somehow “The affects of their trauma will most certainly come back to haunt them, the only variable is when.” I’ve been trying to source the author to perhaps use it in a short film. All searches lead to your blog but I can’t seem to find it. Can you help? Amazing writing by the way.

    Vicki

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Vicki, How odd, as I don’t know if I used that in my blog but you are right it all leads back here which I have no idea why! Have you asked the ladies at Restoring hope? otherwise
      I can message them and ask

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  6. Hello. I am wondering if you ever confronted your mother or your stepfather about the abuse? I think that speaking up to the abuser (and the enabler of the abuser- your own mother whose very sacred job it was to at least protect you) can be very empowering- something you could not do as a child but perhaps can do now, as an adult. I apologize if you have already answered this in a blog post!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hey πŸ™‚
      I have. I see my mum on a weekly basis. She has many regrets, she said she always warned me about stranger danger but never about what could happen to me in my own home. My mum drank a lot and did a lot of drugs so was oblivious to what was going on. And my step father, well he thinks we should just get over it because it was a long time ago . :/ one day I’ll confront him to his face maybe. But I doubt that I’ll get the outcome that I need.

      But thank you.

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      1. Thanks for answering my question! I am especially interested because I am about to attempt a conversation (2nd time) w/ a parent regarding them alienating me from my other parent. I also do not expect an apology or even acknowledgement of their part in this, but I have known for a long time that this is what i need to do anyway (and boy have I procrastinated- for decades!). But yes, I believe that we can sometimes find our needed outcomes w/out those conversations. Glad you are able to talk to your mum!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Haha, yes that ole procrastination. I know it well.

        Sometimes its just the speaking about it to clear your head despite their reactions is worth the healing for yourself. You know. Good on you hey!

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